Friday, May 4, 2012

Vanilla Protein Crepes


full recipe nutrition: 286 calories / 29g carbs / 4g fat / 34g protein / 2g fiber / 18g sugar


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm going to pretend you're a crepe and wrap yummy things inside you.
That has a ring to it.
A vanilla-y, cinnamon-y, ring to it.
Oh you can't hear taste? That's good because Paprika just called your mother a slut and your face a blemish on society. Oh Paprika. You spicy little bitch.

So I set off this morning trying to make protein-y yogurt based pancakes-for-one using the stuff I already have in my fridge. This consisted of these extremely specific, fine, fine ingredients...

3oz Vanilla Siggi's Icelandic Style 0% Skyr (similar to Greek yogurt)
1 tbls Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk
1.5 tbls Egg Whites
1/4 cup Vanilla MusclePharm Combat Powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 packet truvia
A dab of crunchy peanut butter

I combined my dry ingrediens and combined them with my mixed together wet ingredients, added that little bit of peanut butter because I add peanut butter to everything (next up: body wash!) and proceded to expect great things.



I only have one kinda-stir-fry pan and one saucepan (I'm that kid who can't be trusted to clean pots if she has more than one pot but mostly in the year I've lived in my current place, I've consistently forgotten to buy a second pot) so I got my stir-fry-y pan nice and hot and ready to go.

It started out beautifully. They were plump and cute little pancakes. The things I was expecting! Such great things!


Then I flipped them over.
Deflated. Both myself and the pancakes.



I quickly added more baking soda because I'm pretty sure baking soda heals all wounds and time can go suck it but it was to no avail.

All hell broke loose.
Actually, if hell is anything like what happened to these pancakes, I'm going start kicking puppies more often for the first time ever I swear.
The little flat, deflated, still-moist and soft disks I made were not pancakes anymore. They were better. They were crepes.




And crepes are entirely more fantastic than pancakes. You can roll crepes up with all sorts of goodness and that bitch just got portable. I still sat on my couch to eat them, however. But I did move them from my plate to my face pretty frequently. Held up like a champ.

Stuffing:
2 oz Vanilla Siggi's Icelandic Style 0% Skyr (the rest of the cup)
40g banana, sliced
1 tsp of crunchy peanut butter

Spread some peanut butter. Slather some yogurt. Slip in some banana (that's what she said?). I'm pretty sure you can dress your own crepe but I went to a small private school founded by three French sisters with a name that ends in "ehhh" when it reads like "et" SO I'M KINDA AN EXPERT.


RATE ME!!

TASTE: 4/5 This are the yumz, guyz. Save for the tasting I do of my own baked goods, I don't typically eat many refined carbs or nothin so that means I don't eat much in the way of breads, or pastas, or cereal. Or crap. I also don't terribly like those things so for me to a) eat these crepes and b) like these crepes is saying a lot about them. Also with goodies like that inside of them, how could they not be tasty? Plus 34g of protein is not fucking around so they are very filling.

EASE: 4.5/5 Every ingredient I used was already in my fridge and since Whole Foods employees are starting to judge me with their eyes, that's nice.

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 2/5 Shrinking down this recipe to what I have it at now, it only makes enough to serve one person. Less ingredients, less chances for horrible, horrible messes. I mean I still made a mess but then I said "Bless this mess!" and that was that. I don't clean much. I mostly just let idioms take care of things.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? Um, it was breakfast time. The dog hadn't gotten out of bed yet. FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 1/5 OR 4/5 Ok two scores here. These are the least impressive pancakes you have ever seen. However, crepes are French and French sounds fancy and 34g of protein and only 29g of carbs for a typically carby kind of meal is enough to impress me. And I am all that matters. In the world.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A Healthier Banana Bread + Something Ridiculous


I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks and I am stressed.
I am stressed and I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
I have a hard time turning off my brain when I am stressed and when I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
Sometimes I sit up in bed and make little notes on my phone when I should be doing anything else.
Thankfully, this is the sort of shit that just won't quit...


And so it was determined that I was going to revamp my mother's banana nut bread recipe to make it...

  • healthier
  • chock full of other things
  • in a motherfucking apple
I think this was the best idea I've ever had in my ever. 
But before we get to that, let's examine how to make a very moist banana nut bread into a very moist and healthy banana nut bread using the stuff I have in my fridge. 

Ingredients
8 tbls tahini
24 packets Truvia
2/3 cups unsweetened applesauce
4 super ripe mashed bananas
3 tbls reduced fat sour cream
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup oat flour
1 cup vanilla protein powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Quick! Make me 18 or so regular sized Banana Nut Muffins!
Preheat oven to 375. Line your muffin sheet with some muffin papers.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, protein powder, baking soda, and salt to combine. Set aside.

Beat the tahini and truvia in an electric mixer until completely combined. Beat in the applesauce. Beat in the bananas and the sour cream. Add the vanilla. Slowly add the dry ingredients and mix until well combined. Add the chopped walnuts and mix by hand with a spoon of your liking. Or a fork. Or a hand. Go nuts. (Get it? GET IT?!?!?)

Fill the muffin papers 1/2 - 2/3 full of batter. Bake for 18 minutes. Eat! EEEEEAT!


Nutritional Information Per Muffin: 130 calories / 18g carbs / 7g fat / 6g protein / 3g fiber / 5g sugar

So that's cool and all. Healthy banana nut bread. Rad, guys, real rad. But I'm bored? And I still have other shit in my fridge? And it was entirely too easy to make a healthier banana nut bread that tastes exactly the same as regular old fatty-4-life banana nut bread. So let's do some add-ons, k? Plus we still have the iphone note to deal with...

If You Want Some Add-Ons, You've Come to the Right Place

Take 1 tsp of peanut butter and plop that sucker 
in the middle of your please-bake-me-soon muffins
Add 30 calories / 1g carb / 3g fat / 1g protein to your serving.


Use 1/2 tsp of peanut butter, 1/2 tsp of mini chocolate chips, and 1/2 a tsp of banana to form a 
little ball of gooey goodness. Drop that little marble from heaven into your unbaked muffin. 
Add 30 calories / 2g carbs / 2g fat / 1g protein / 1g sugar to your serving.  


Slice a few insanely thin slices of banana. Stick them in your 
why-haven’t-you-baked-me-yet muffins. Be artful. I dare you. 
The nutrition facts won’t really change if you’re like me and your slices are crazy thin/borderline meaningless. 


Just throw 1/2 tsp mini dark chocolate chips in (not on, like I did...I’m so ashamed)
your muffin already. You wanted to from the beginning. 
Add 11 calories / 1g carb / 1g fat / 1g sugar to your serving.



now onto why we were all put on this earth by a higher baking-soda-not-yeast-based bread...
BANANA NUT BREAD BAKED IN AN APPLE





IF YOU'RE DOWN FOR IT,
I highly suggest baking some banana nut bread in a motherfucking apple. I used a fiji apple, cored it down to like half an inch from the bottom, and carefully scooped out a substantial part of the inside flesh of the apple. I left probably a half an inch wall at most. I'd say half the apple was removed. Fill your apple 2/3 full - mine fit about 2 muffins-worth. Place in a baking dish with a half inch or so of water in it. Bake for 35 minutes, or until the top of the banana bread seems set and a toothpick comes out clean.

Estimated Nutrition Facts Per Baked Apple Banana Nut Bread Amazing Thing: 310 calories / 46g carbs / 14g fat / 12g protein / 8g fat / 18g sugar



RATE ME!!!

TASTE: 7/5 Yeah. I went there. I don't even need to explain it but I have never, ever, ever in my life minced words. I have minced everything (EVERYTHING!) else. The regular banana nut muffins are really yummy and taste exactly like the fatty version. So, you know, go team. But I ate half of the baked apple banana nut bread and, um, I don't want to ever go back to the person I was before eating that half of a banana nut bread baked in an apple.

EASE: 4/5 The hardest part is coring the apple. And saying "goodbye."

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 4/5 So when I opened the jar of tahini I didn't realize it was the kind with the oil on the top that needed to be stirred and so, blah blah blah, I have a really shiny complexion. As does my floor. And my oven. And my stroke-y dog.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? At one point, the dog emerged from the closet his office to stare me down and make weird noises. I'm pretty sure he knew something special was going on. Or he was having a stroke. Dunno.

IMPRESS-O-METER: I explained the dessert to the Impress-O-Meter who told me "HOLD THE PHONE." And then it looked sternly at me through the googly eyes I hot glued to its impress-o-face and said "forever."


Sunday, April 29, 2012

Peanut Butter Cupcakes Three Ways


Hey there.

Are you sick and tired of having only one way to enjoy your peanut butter cupcakes?

Are you tossing and turning night after night, wrestling with the idea of settling down with just one peanut butter cupcake topping?

Are you pretty sure peanut butter cupcakes know you're not a hit it and quit it type of person but sometimes your eyes wander and then your mouth wanders but it's okay baby, you're still the peanut butter cupcake for me but sometimes a grown adult just has these urges that are totally, totally normal and happen to everyone and if God wanted us to only enjoy one type of peanut butter cupcake for the rest of our lives, he wouldn't have given us taste buds?

Stop! You don't have to settle for another sleepless night!

Now you can live the good life with Mini Peanut Butter Cupcakes Three Ways!

Because you deserve it.  And cupcakenogomy is dead.



So that was weird, huh? I mean, all I've had for dinner tonight is cupcakes, 1/2 cup of edamame, and a yogurt and while that may seem like the perfect meal - it very much is the perfect meal and you were right for thinking that. My hands may be shaking? I can't imagine any correlation. Is this the danger of eating around? I should have used protection.

Let's get on with the deets...



Cupcake Ingredients
1/2 cup vanilla protein powder (use soy based protein powder to keep it vegan)
1/2 cup oat flour
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup + 1 tbls crunchy peanut butter
18 packets Truvia
2/3 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (or any variation)
Optional: a couple chocolate chips for plopping in the middle of the cupcakes before baking

Do as I say
Preheat the oven to 325. Line a mini cupcake pan with some mini liners. This recipe makes three and a half dozen mini cupcakes. Get ready to be overwhelmed. 

In a medium bowl, whisk the protein powder, oat flour, salt, and baking powder. Set aside.

Beat the peanut butter with the truvia with an electric mixer until well blended. Add the applesauce and beat it like Chris Brown just caught it with another cupcake. (Too soon? Too nonsensical?) Mix in the vanilla. Mix in some of the dry mixture followed by some of the milk and continue alternating, finishing with the dry ingredients. Mix until fully incorporated.

Fill your mini cupcakes about 2/3 of the way full (here's where you can add some chocolate chips in the middle if you want) and pop in the oven for 12 minutes. Take out, let cool, repeat a half a million times.

Now let's get on with the cupcake swinging...

Option 1: Peanut Butter and Jelly
Ingredients
4 tbls vegan butter
3/4 cup confectioners sugar (I didn't have enough - don't make my mistakes.)
A splash of unsweetened vanilla almond milk
2 tbls of your jam of choice...but always choose red fig jam. No pressure.

Get on with it
Using an electric mixture, beat the vegan butter on high for a bit. Then add the confectioners sugar and beat until it incorporates. Beat harder and faster (teehee) to fluff it up (teeeeeheeeee). Add the splash of milk and the jam. Beat beat beat beat until you're happy with it. Spread it on the cupcakes. Devour the cupcakes.



Option 2: The Jackson Pollock

Ingredients
1/4 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (I had a lot of it, okay?)
2 tbls vegan butter
1/2 cup dark chocolate chips

Take the lazy way out
Get the butter and milk in a bowl together. Pop it in the microwave for a minute. Mix it. Add the chocolate chips and stir until smooth. Take your spoon and flick the ganache across the cupcake top like a masterful artist who's probably a little lot drunk hammered. Enjoy your delicate work of art.



Option 3: Chocolate Smothered Peanut Butter
Using the same ingredients as above
Dip your mini cupcakes top down into the bowl of ganache. Swirl a bit and set it on a cooling rack to set. Refrigerate to harden. Make sure to get chocolate all over your face and hands and face some more when you lose all self control and eat these like a savage animal. Yum!

So there you go. Three different options for your indecisive needs. And if you need more than three, you're just a sick fuck.


RATE ME!!

TASTE: 5/5 These cupcakes are so very good. Each option is a winner. And my love for bite-sized goodies is undeniable. If anything, the vegan substitutions in the batter elevate the taste and consistency. The cake itself is perfectly peanut buttery and the little crunches of peanuts are stupid good. Creamy peanut butter is for pussies and WonderBread. And you don't look like WonderBread to me...

EASE: 4/5 Vegan recipes are just oddly easy, if you ask me. Everything is so...soft. And when there's nothing in the batter that can cause you crippling stomach cramps if eaten in its raw form, it's also incredibly easy to taste as you go and adjust to your liking. And I like to pretend that it's healthier too. It's like taking a completely non-violent action to a bird with two stones! I think!

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 5/5 I'm just going to burn it down and start fresh. I think I have peanut butter and/or jam in my hair. I'll just shave my head. It's fine. I want to move on from this forever.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? The dog woofed at me at one point because he realized it was 1am and I hadn't taken him out yet. Then I was all like, "Frank, shut the front door." And that confused him enough to convince him to go back to bed. (I'm pretty up to speed with my dog's mental capacity.) I think he's hibernating.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 4/5 If I've said it a million times, I will now say it a million and one times: vegan baking earns you street cred. Sure, it's a street that's gentrifying more and more with each passing second but it's also a street. And you cannot get cred anywhere else. Also, I hear they just opened up a new coffee house that serves one no-frills-back-to-basics brew in hand thrown mugs from a Polish grandmother's open-air studio that used to be a whorehouse. It's also fair-trade. It's pretty legit.



Mini Cupcake Nutrition Facts
per Peanut Butter Cupcake
32 calories / 3g carbs / 2g fat / 2g protein / 0g fiber / 1g sugar

per Peanut Butter and Jelly Mini Cupcake (estimation based on the recipe making enough for 20 or so servings)
72 calories / 8g carbs / 4g fat / 2g protein / 0g fiber / 6g sugar

per Chocolate Smother Peanut Butter Cupcake (estimation based on the recipe making a shit ton of ganache - I guessed 60 cupcake tops worth)
45 calories / 4g carbs / 3g fat / 2g protein / 0g fiber / 2g sugar

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Spicy Tofu Nuggets


Hey! These aren't cookies or cupcakes or muffins or cake-cakes or brownies or salty chocolate peanut butter balls! What the what?!!?!

Hear me out.

Just as the Native Americans respected the animals they killed by using every part of their bodies in some productive way, so have I respected the left over wheat germ and tofu from my healthier mini and bite sized cheesecakes. Because let's be real folks, I currently pay rent for two apartments and I work in retail and I do all my shopping at the Whole Foods attached to my building. Bottom line: this girl is dirt poor. (Dammit.) And that wheat germ and sandwich baggy of tofu in my fridge is not going to waste. (Dammit!) Unless these tasted bad. (Dammit?) Then boy would my face be red.

People in my financial situation use ottomans as tables, macbooks as plates, and iphones for cameras.
#whitegirlproblems 

My face is not red. 

That's just my normal healthy glow, folks. These Spicy Tofu Nuggets are everything you could hope for in a super easy to make, super healthy, meatless nugget recipe. And I hope for so much in these things!

Now if I could only figure out what to do with the tofu's hide and brain. What's that, you said? Tofu doesn't have hide or a brain? Then what have I been tanning for days to make into a festive tunic? And where's my dog?



Spicy Tofu Nuggets
note: I had about 3.85oz of left over tofu that I cut into 5 uniform pieces and one almost full misshapen piece...this recipe follows the amount of stuff I used to make about 6 tofu nuggets

Ingredients
nuggets
extra firm tofu, cut into 2"ish triangle nuggets and patted as dry as you can pat them (pat more!)

breading
2 tbls raw wheat germ
1 tbls parmesan (I used shaved because I had it in my fridge. respect the fridge - use the whole fridge. especially the drawers.)
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp black pepper

wash
3 tbls egg whites
3.15 oz unsweetened soy milk

fry bake like bacon imitation meat!
Oh fuck it. Just let me eat you.

Bake Them Nuggets
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. spray of baking sheet with cooking spray.
whisk your egg whites and soy milk in a small bowl. in another small bowl or in a ziploc bag (aforementioned poor folk like myself are all out of ziploc bags smaller than a gallon - my life is so touch and go these days!), combine the breading ingredients. make your little breading/washing/breading station and proceed to bread/wash/bread. you'll coat the tofu nugget once in breading, then dunk it in the wash, then back in the breading and onto the baking pan. arrange them on the baking sheet and pop in the oven for 15 minutes. Flip over and bake for another 15 minutes. Bake/flip/bake/flip in shorter intervals until you reach the tofu density you prefer. I ended up doing it about another 12 minutes. I like my tofu nuggets like I like my life: tough.* 

*That's top five one of the more ridiculous things I've said in days.

I hope tofu hooves make glue as wonderful as this nugget tastes!

Nutrition Facts
Calculated by Wizardry

Per Nugget
35 calories / 3g carbs / 1g fat / 3g protein / 1g fiber / 1g sugar / 1g cholesterol / 10mg sodium


RATE ME!!
TASTE: 4.85/5 .15 was taken off here because I should have used grated parmesan. It's all very technical, you see. Otherwise, damn you bitches taste mighty fine. I'd say they taste better than chicken nuggets but I think chicken tastes disgusting so that be like saying they taste better than shoes. And they taste a million times better than shoes. So by my standards of reasoning and logic, these tofu nuggets taste 1,000,000 times better than chicken nuggets. There. Done.

EASE: 5/5 If you've ever made eggplant parmesan, you know just how easy it is to dredge stuff and make it taste great.

FILFTH OF KITCHEN: 2/5 Not too bad! Mostly just heaps of paper towels from those jerky uncooked tofu pieces that thought if they were damp for forever, I may not eat them. Idiots.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? It's almost 2pm. The dog is still passed out asleep. He doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000 in raw steak. He also likes carrots.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 5/5 Sure, everyone can make tofu nuggets but can everyone say they have raw wheat germ hanging around? I DIDN'T THINK SO. WALK AWAY.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Post-Workout Cookie Sandwiches Revisited


I gave my I'm-Real-Beat-From-Running-Someone-Get-This-Girl-A-Cookie-Sandwich recipe a moderate facelift yesterday. It's the same basic idea, just a few ingredient replacement. So here goes it!

Ingredients
1/2 cup vanilla protein powder (use a soy-based powder for vegan)
1/3 cup oat flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
4oz fresh ground almond butter
18 packets Truvia
1/4 to 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 tsp vanilla
2 tbls instant espresso powder
1 1/2 cups oats
1/2 cup mini dark chocolate chips

Do These Things Now
Whisk your protein powder, oat flour, baking soda, salt, and cocoa powder together in a bowl. Set aside. In a mixing bowl, "cream" the almond butter, applesauce and truvia til smooth. Add the tsp of vanilla and the espresso powder. Mix some more. Add the dry ingredient mixture a half a cup at a time. It should seem pretty dry. If it seems too dry, add a bit more applesauce. Add the vanilla and espresso powder. Smoooooth. Fold in the oats and the chocolate chips.

Divide the dough in half. Take one half and plop it down on some wax paper. Wrap it up like a tootsie roll and roll it out into a log. It should be about an inch and half or so in diameter. Wrap tightly in the wax paper and let cool in the fridge for 4-6 hours. Repeat with remaining half of dough.

4-6 hours/one reading of The Hunger Games later...
Preheat the oven to 350. Line some cookie sheets with parchment paper. Take your doughy logs out of the fridge. Slice the logs into thinnish cookie disks no bigger than a half an inch wide. If they crack a bit, you can always reform them with a little of the fallen off dough. Press the disks down onto the cookie sheets, making them just a tad slimmer and peanut butter spreading friendlier. Add fallen apart dough as needed. Bake for 9 minutes. Remove and cool for a minute or 2 on the sheets, then transfer to cooling racks.

Assembly!
This is pretty straightforward. If it isn't, I'm afraid of how you got this far and no, this is not a pie recipe. Take one cookie. Spread a tablespoon of your favorite chunky peanut butter on the smooth bottom side. Top with another cookie's smooth bottom side. Giggle about "smooth bottom sides."

Nutrition Facts
Per cookie 
50 calories / 6g carbs / 3g fat / 2g protein / 1g fiber / 0g sugar
(based off the recipe making the 42 cookies I made)

Per cookie sandwich with a tablespoon of Maranatha No Stir Crunchy Peanut Butter
190 calories / 16g carbs / 14g fat / 8g protein / 3g fiber / 3g sugar



Thursday, April 19, 2012

One-Bite Orange Ginger Cheesecake-y Muffins

 RAPID CHEESECAKE FIRE. That's what's going on right now.

So those first cheesecakes were self-accessed as "pretty okay." Not bad by any means, but mostly okay. I mean, fat free sour cream + fat free cream cheese is a lot of freedom from fat. And freedom is great and all, don't get me wrong. I've seen Braveheart. Like, a lot of times. I know about freedom. But sometimes, folks (me) just don't know what's good for them (me). That's why we need SOPA NC-17 movies waterboarding reduced fat cream cheese and sour cream. (I knew it!)

Also, I wasn't wild about the chocolate cheesecake thing. I know some people like that (I bet you like freedom too, huh? I THOUGHT SO. Communist!) but I mean, I like my cheesecake beige and creamy. I also wanted something a little more yogurt-friendly (I like to put my foods inside my foods to make foodier foods) so, likeisaid, chocolate was just not quite right. So I went with a classic, tried and true combo: orange and ginger. The combination of pretentious champions. And, coincidentally, my second favorite icelandic skyr style yogurt flavor too*.

So here you go. Delicious One-Bite Orange Ginger Cheesecake-y Muffins. I changed the name to something entirely more complicated because they really aren't cheesecakes when they are this tiny. They are more so cheesecake inspired muffins. So pop them in your mouth, your icelandic skyr style yogurt, your organic large curd cottage cheese, or make them a vehicle for red fig jam (RED FIG JAM GUYS). Mostly just eat them. You can always just eat them. If you're into that.

*It's okay if you're no longer cool enough to be my friend anymore after this sentence. You probably never were.

Orange Ginger Cheesecake-y Muffins or Ramekin Cheesecakes
Makes 24 One-Biters or 4 small Ramekin Cakes

Ingredients:
4 tbls wheat germ
8 oz reduced fat cream cheese
4oz extra firm tofu
11 packets truvia
1/2 egg
1 egg white
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 orange extract
4 oz reduced fat sour cream
15g ginger candy, grated or broken up
some orange zest

Directions:
PREP Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Spray a mini cupcake pan with some baking spray. Equally distribute some wheat germ on the bottom for your "crusts." Place the pan in the freezer.
MAKE Toss the cream cheese, tofu, and truvia in your food processor and process until smooth. Add the egg, egg white, vanilla, and orange extract. Process! Add the sour cream, ginger candy, and orange zest. Process!
ASSEMBLE Take the pan out of the freezer and spoon the cheesecake mixture into the cupcake pods. It's around 2 tbls ish or so of creamy goodness.
BAKE in your oven for 20 minutes. I think. Take out and cool and nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.




RATE ME!!!


TASTE: 3.9/5 Oh these are significantly yummier, yes. I also made one bigger one that was less muffin-y (hard to keep something that small moist enough for a cheesecake, ya know?) and more cheesecake-y and hooooly shit. Yum city.


EASE: 5/5 Anything with a food processor and a food processor only is magnificent.


FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 2/5 Okay I dropped a fork with cheesecake batter on it all over myself and then it fell on the floor and that was gross. It was also the only mess. Nice. I have cheesecake on my pants. Upgrade.


DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? Shhhhh. The dog is sleeping. Don't wake him, even though it's moderately impossible to do so. Unless you just said :walk." Did you just say walk? Are we going on a walk? We are? We're going on a walk? Because I think you said walk? I'm pretty sure I heard walk come out of your mouth when you said walk because you definitely said walk and I like to go on walks and I'm awake now. Look what you've done.


IMPRESS-O-METER: 4.5/5 Ahem. Orange. And ginger. And one bite cheesecakes. Oh they are 42 calories a bite-size piece too (250 calories a ramekin). CUZ YOU KNOW HOW I DO.




Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes


It's safe to say that everything is better in miniature form. (I'm sorry, have you seen miniature ponies?) I can think of literally tens of other things that follow suit. Bonsai trees. Shrunken heads. Teacup anythings. My apartment. Chocolate Cheesecake.

Shrunken Teacup Studio Apartment Chocolate Cheesecake slices. Cuuuute.
(Bonsai.)


Six things. I can think of six things that are better in miniature form. See? Everything.

Before we go on and on and on and on (my God, it's already starting) about Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes, let's take a closer look at thing #5: my apartment. Bitch you be mad tiny. Like I've seen a lot kitchen sinks (I think?) but rarely have I seen one that, with proper aim, you can throw shit in ala office trashcan basketball hoops (the one exception to the miniature rule - pretty sure only assholes have those) while lying comfortably in your bed. Does that make sense? I don't care. My apartment is like miniature pony of apartments. And I have loved it for 11 months.

So as the lease on my tiny studio apartment winds down, it seems only fitting to make something miniature. In honor of my tiny studio apartment and all things miniature (I listed them all above, if you forgot what they were. That's the complete list. Also? You should be kinda worried that you couldn't remember that list. It was only a handful of sentences ago. It's probably a tumor.) I present some Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes. Oh and they'll keep you tiny too because who wants giant people when miniature is so much better? SEVEN! Seven things! I did it!

Recipe adapted from Women's Health because I am crazier than Women's Health. And don't you forget it!

Makes 14ish standard sized cupcakes

Ingredients
4 tbl wheat germ
2 8oz packages of fat free cream cheese*
8 oz very firm tofu, drained
24 packets Truvia
1 egg
2 egg whites
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 unsweetened cocoa powder
8 oz fat free sour cream*
Some of this red fig jam I'm obsessed with

*(Use these if you're also crazy. Use reduced fat for it to taste better.)

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. You can use terribly adorable cupcake liners or not. The not version turned out prettier but the liner was easier to handle. Either way, use some cooking spray to lightly coat the insides on the liners/pan. Dust the bottoms with some wheat germ for your crumb base. Toss that pan in your freezer.

Blend the cream cheese, tofu, and sugar (substitute) in a food processor. Add egg, egg whites, and vanilla. Process some more. Add the cocoa powder and sour cream. Process!

"Process me like one of your French girls."


Take your pan out of the freezer and load them up with cheesecake batter. Put them in the oven for like 20ish minutes or until they look done. That's helpful, right? Top with that jam I love.

Is that red fig jam on your mini slice of mini cheesecake?
BECAUSE IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE HEAVEN. 

RATE ME!!!

TASTE: 2.99/5 (Updated: they taste significantly better after a few hours of refrigeration.) So okay, I went a little too *crazy with the fat free-ing. One or both of the creamy white parts needs to be at just reduced fat. But they still taste good and I would put red fig jam on everything I eat if I could. And since I live alone, I can. And I do.


EASE: 5/5 The only way this could possibly be easier would be if my food processor didn't have the motor of a chainsaw and as such, wouldn't leave my ears ringing for hours. It hurts.


FILTH OF KITCHEN: 1.5/5 Hey! Way to go Mini Chocolate Cheesecakes! You are almost entirely contained to 2 washable things! MINIATURES DO IT BETTER. Amiright?


DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? If the dog doesn't go back to eating the dough when I move to my new apartment, the dog is going to have to start paying rent. The fuck happened to my living breathing vacuum/Swiffer Wet Jet all-in-one?


IMPRESS-O-METER: 4.5/5 Oh, haven't you heard? Miniature things are the best things.

Nutritional facts per mini cake:
76 calories / 13g carbs / 2g fat / 8g protein / 1g fiber / 2g sugar

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Passover Torte



Just a quick little snippet on this Passover dessert I made from the incredible, wonderful, Smitten Kitchen. That lady over there is amazing, folks. Clearly, I swapped out the copious amounts of sugar for Truvia, because I'm insane*. I'm sure this affected my macaroon layers negatively in appearance, but the taste was absolutely almond-y and fantastic in every way.

I used her suggestion of orange extract in the chocolate icing - ohmygodyes. My macaroon layers were not as meringue-y as I think they should have been (my peaks didn't get so stiff, I don't think...I blame the Truvia) and I couldn't really trim them too much without them totally crumbling to pieces...hence the uneven-ness. But, despite also not having quite enough icing and running out of decorative almond slices (the shame of it all!), it tasted so, so, so good. So good. But this amount of cake may last me the rest of my life. Sigh. I'll just have to learn to live with it.

There's no real story here. My bad. Just a big old happy Passover to you all. Now go eat some flourless cake.


*insane people also calculate nutrition facts per 1/2" slice of chocolate tortes. I know this first hand. 
193 cals / 24g carbs / 12g fat / 5g protein / 2g fiber / 14g sugar

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

You Eat Post-Workout Snacks Like A Girl


Vegan Chocolate Espresso Oatmeal Peanut Butter Cookie Sandwiches. (whew.)

I have some pretty silly fears. Elevator doors closing on me. Falling down escalators. Falling up stairs. Falling on my face. (There is something wrong with my balance? There is something wrong with my balance.)

But those are the normal socially accepted  ones I typically admit. I also have food fears that I keep somewhat to myself. Oh who am I kidding, I don't keep anything to myself. You look horrible today, by the way. But yeah. Food fears. Fears makes it sound a little too wacky, I think. We'll call them food aversions. Eek. These include, but are not limited to, the following: cheese, bread, cereal, butter, oil, meat of all kinds, sugar. They come and go (eggs and milk used to be there too, so I'm open to modifying my psychosis) for various nonsensical reasons. So I've been adjusting my foods to be less scary, more approachable, friendlier, faster, stronger, better, cuter, more charming. Wait what? No, no. All that's perfect. And true.

It's common knowledge that I like my cookie doughs to look as
much like bowel movements as possible.

But where I struggle the most is carbs. Specifically post-workout carbs. And to make it worse, I've been falling in love with running these days. And as we're getting pretty hot and heavy, it's becoming readily apparent to me that I need to eat some damn carbs after those runs. For the sake of having enough energy to run again. But I don't want to eat a tuna sandwich everyday. Orrrr ever.

Is that oatmeal in there or little glimmers of sunshine?
(It's oatmeal.)

So I'm going to eat my post-workout snacks like a girl. Mostly because that is clearly the only way I know how. They're going to be Chocolate Espresso Oatmeal Cookie Peanut Butter Sandwiches. And they are going to be life-altering.

Ok. They are going be incredibly yummy. And a little funny looking. Oh and they're going to be - relatively - good for you. And vegan. Because why the fuck not, amiright?

Cute in that ugly you-must-have-come-from-turdy-batter way.
You know
?


Adapted from this recipe.  Here's how...

Assemble these things:
3/4  cup of oat flour
1/4  cup of unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4  tsp salt
1/2  tsp baking soda
6  tbls vegan buttery flavor sticks
2  tbls unsweetened applesauce
18  packets of Truvia
2  oz cooled espresso
1 1/2  tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2  cups of oats
1/2  cup of chocolate chips
wax paper and parchment paper

Do these things to those things:

  1. Whisk first 4 dry ingredients together in a bowl. Set aside to let it think about what it did.
  2. Cream the "butter" and applesauce with the "sugar" in a mixer. Make air quotes.
  3. Add the espresso and vanilla. Is it smoothish? Let me introduce you to step 4...
  4. Nice to finally meet you. Stir in the oats and chocolate chips with a spoon of sorts.
  5. Divide the dough in half. Place the halves in their own wax papers. Roll the doughs into 2 log (you-know-what) shapes, about 2" in diameter. Wrap up and refrigerate for at least 2 hours.
Come back. Preheat the oven to 350. Parchment paper your cookie sheets.
  1. Slice the logs into 1/2" wide cookies. I got about 3 dozen cookies out of this. The original recipe claims 48. I call bullshit on this.
  2. Bake the cookies for about 10 minutes, or until the tops look a bit dry.
  3. Remove. Cool in sheets for a few minutes. Cool on cookie racks for many more minutes.
  4. Assemble two cookies with a tablespoon of crunchy peanut butter.
  5. LOOK WHAT I'VE CREATED. I HAVE MADE PERFECT POST-RUN SNACK!

Nutritional Info Per Cookie
56 calories / 8g carbs / 3g fat / 1g protein / 1g fiber / 2g sugar


Nutritional Info Per Sandwich 
202 calories / 19g carbs / 15g fat / 6g protein / 3g fiber / 6g sugar



This beats a tuna sandwich 99% of time.
Dolphin meat wins 1% of the time.



RATE ME!!

TASTE: 5/5 TASTES SO GOOD IN MY SWEATY RUNNER MOUTH. It also tastes good in my regular mouth. These would also probably taste good in a shoe.

EASE: 4/5 I made the dough on my lunch break today, but only after stopping at the grocery, eating some lunch, and some general fucking around. The hardest part was cutting the turd roll. And that was easy as Sunday morning. Or Wednesday lunch break.

FILTH OF KITCHEN: 3/5 This is hard because my kitchen is a pigsty to begin with. As is the area by my kitchen (known from here on out as The Entirety of the Rest of My Studio Apartment) where I decided I didn't feel like folding my laundry yet. Oh me. I didn't add too much extra mess, however. Just a lot.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? STOP REMINDING ME THAT MY DOG IS AFRAID OF MY KITCHEN ALREADY.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 2.5/5 Yeah these guys are ugly. That's for certain. -2 points. But they are Vegan (+1), Sandwich Cookies (+1), and made entirely from my heart (+.5). And then -1 for that last comment. And add another +1 for healthy-ness. Have we carried any ones yet? Perfect.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Because I Love You Muffins

aka (vegan carrot cake)


My boyfriend loves me. It’s true. I’ll tell you how I know.

Last night, I went out to hang out with other girls which is plain old weird if you know me at all because that is not a thing I tend to do. Girls scare me. So does large organized socializing. Eep! So, as any social anxiety prone young lady is apt to do, I made sure I was good and drunk for the occasion. Double eep! On my quest to get shitfaced, I drank entirely too much.



Pre-blackout. Pre-ruining that adorable crocheted top.
Pre-friend on my left babysitting me at the bar. <3


Typically I can get away with this because I’m a stone cold badass who can hold her liquor. But that state of “typically” also includes eating normal things on a regular basis - like carbs. And my daily intake of carbs has taken up to or less than 36% (115g or less, usually) of my diet for like...3 weeks now. Don’t ask me how I know this. (Ask me how I know this!)


100% Psycho
So what does my boyfriend do? He comes to my rescue. Knowing full well there was a solid chance I was going to be sick.
When I woke up, boyfriend of the year was asleep on my couch. He had set my Britta within my reach with a few other choice items. When he woke up, he didn’t give me shit, didn’t make me feel bad, didn’t say anything negative. Clearly, I made some poor choices last night. He even showed concern for my shoes, which...took the brunt of the evening’s festivities.


*SKIP DOWN TO HERE IF YOU’RE NOT IN THE MOOD FOR STORY TIME*

(JERKWAD.)


Moist. We're calling them moist.
Just go with it.


So my boyfriend loves me and I know this. And I love him because motherfucking DUH. So I made a frankensteined Vegan Carrot Cake Muffin in his honor. Then I named them Because I Love You Muffins. CUTE.
So let me explain a couple things I did to this recipe. In an adorable way.


Because I love you, I shredded a bag of carrots by hand so you wouldn’t have to eat less-than-fresh bagged shredded carrots.




Shredded for his pleasure.


Because I love you, I replaced the sugar with stevia and applesauce so you wouldn’t feel guilty about eating these.



I'll throw these empty packets away within the next few weeks.
Or so.


Because I love you, I used organic whole grain pastry flour rather than white flour so you can get a healthy dose of whole grains with a flaky cake instead of highly processed gross stuff.

Tell me,
do you see a beautiful young woman or an ugly old lady in this picture?

Because I love you, I took the oil out and threw some applesauce in since oil is yucky and applesauce is not.

Nothing says "I love you" like sludge.


Because I love you, I calculated the nutrition facts so your minor ocd that is totally not weird could get some exercise.


I was going for a tones of beige-ish in this photo.
Nailed it.
Because I love you, I’ll never get so ridiculously horribly intoxicated again. I bet.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and get these things out:
2 cups pastry flour
24 packets of Truvia
¼ cup brown sugar
½ tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
3 cups shredded carrots
1 ¼ cups unsweetened applesauce
½ cup orange juice
½ cup golden raisins
¾ cup reduced fat unsweetened shredded coconut
½ cup chopped walnuts
Do these things to make about 24 muffins:
Combine the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl by hand. Toss the carrots and applesauce in. Mix mix mix mix. Add the orange juice. Mix mix mix mix. Add the raisins, coconut, and walnuts. Mix mix mix mix! Fill up a baking sprayed muffin tin with your batter. Stick it in the oven for about 35 minutes. (Since there is nothing raw in there, the inside is still delicious even if not all the way set. I was mostly just getting antsy.) Let cool. Devour.
Nutrition Facts per muffin
99 calories / 18g carbs / 2g fat / 2g protein / 3g fiber / 9g sugar


SEEMS LIKE ENOUGH MUFFINS.
(help.)
RATE ME!!!

TASTE: 3/5 ok they are totally delicious but I think there is room for improvement. I'm talking about icing, folks. I want icing in my mouth when I eat these muffins. It's all I've been thinking about for like, 20 minutes. That is so many minutes to think about icing. Also - they didn't entirely become cake-y in the middle so let's call them "moist."

EASE: 4/5 You don't even need a mixer! Bitch is easy like your mom! But just like your mom, it takes forever to grate the carrots. That is the -1 point there, if you wanna check out the judges card.

FILTH OF KITCHEN: 5/5 Truvia packets. Truvia packets everywhere. Applesauce where the Truvia packets aren't. The counter edging my kitchen sink is lined with carrot ends. There's probably a lot of things in my hair. Plus side: my apartment now smells a lot more like OOOOH than ewwww.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? The dog thanked me kindly for the carrot stumps. They're his favorite. Next to everything else that goes in his mouth.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 5/5 I'm giving this the ultimate rating for a few key points: each muffin is under 100 calories, they are vegan, I'm hungover.



Monday, February 20, 2012

Healthy Little Muffins

Hey there Healthy Little Muffin, you wanna hang out before work?
Maybe after the gym?
Do you want to be my everything?
My one and only?

I want you inside me.


Recently, I've been having this kinda weird love affair with protein and fiber. I eat double fiber bread. I drink protein shakes. I nibble on Fiber Choice tablets. Protein bars? We've shared some romantic evenings.

Tonight was the final straw. I bought dried prunes and figs at Whole Foods. Wholesale. I know. I'm really passionate about pooping.

So making a muffin that will make you poop, give you energy, and maybe even taste halfway decent seemed like the obvious next step. Because cookies would have been stupid. Please. What is this, amateur night?

No #2 has ever tasted so much a winner.


It's official. This is not amateur night.

Here's the rundown on this recipe since I sorta kinda whipped it up out of my kitchen:

Ingredients


Almost 1/2 cup superfine sugar + 2 packets of Truvia (I ran out of sugar...then I ran out of superfine sugar...this was almost amateur night...)
2 tbs butter
2 eggs
1 cup of fat free sour cream
2 cups of old fashioned oats
1/2 cup of oat flour
1/2 Oh Yeah! Cookies and Cream Protein Powder (why wouldn't I buy the only brand with an exclamation point in the name?)
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp cinnamon
2 remaining dried figs, chopped
2 remaining dried prunes, chopped

You're This Close to a Fantastic Bowel Movement


Preheat oven to 425. That seems super hot, I know.

1. Cream butter and sugar in your mixer. Add the eggs, one at a time. Beat til brutalized.
2. Toss the sour cream and oats in a bowl to combine. Add them to your mixer and beat beat beat.
3. In a separate bowl (I plan to get your whole kitchen filthy), mix the dry ingredients.
4. Add the dry ingredients to your wet ones and mix on low until smoothish.
5. Douse your muffin pan with baking spray.
6. Evenly distribute the muffin batter into the 12 muffin tin. Add the random dried fruit you had left over into as many of the muffin pods you want. Be creative! Make a smiley fig face! Do not make a frowny fig face!
7. Stick it in the oven for 10 mins. Then reconsider how fucking hot that oven is. Turn it down to 375. Give it another 6 minutes. They look done? Sure, sure.
8. Let cool.
9. Allow yourself to enjoy how wonderfully the smell of muffins covers the smell of that entire bag of steamed spinach you whipped up earlier for dinner. Shhh...muffin time.

If my intestines were superhuman,
I'd eat every one of you, baby.


But wait!

I even have the nutrition facts for these little fuckers! These numbers may not seem like much but with such a low calorie count, I think they are moderately impressive. You get your fiber from the oats and oat flour and you could always add more prunes or figs to get a much more substantial amount. The protein obviously comes from the protein powder (per serving, it's one of the lower calorie, higher protein, lower carb ones available), the eggs, sour cream, oats, and oat flour.

Healthy Little Muffins 
nutrition facts per muffin


cal: 152
carbs: 22g
fat: 4g
protein: 7g
fiber: 2g
sodium: 249mg


RATE ME!!!


TASTE: 3.5/5 These muffins are really yummy and perfectly breakfast-y. I will say, they do taste healthier than gluttonous. But I think that's a positive thing? They are plenty moist thanks to the sour cream and the cookies and cream protein powder actually tastes really good on its own so it's only uplifted by the addition of oats. I am a really big fan of everything I am tasting in these muffins. And they had the potential to be terrifyingly bad.

EASE: 5/5 I just want to make a poop joke here so bad. So I will. The only thing easier will be passing my next bowel movement. HELLO.

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 3/5 I used alllllll the bowls in my kitchen. But to be fair, I have like 3-4 bowls in my kitchen. USE ALL THE BOWLS.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH?: The dog got a bath earlier tonight. The dog wishes he was dead still.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 4.75/5 Excuse me, I made healthy muffins with protein powder that actually taste fantastic. Where's my ticker tape parade? When will all this fist pumping I've done tonight be appreciated? Soon. So soon.



I have to go to the bathroom now.