Friday, May 4, 2012

Vanilla Protein Crepes

full recipe nutrition: 286 calories / 29g carbs / 4g fat / 34g protein / 2g fiber / 18g sugar

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm going to pretend you're a crepe and wrap yummy things inside you.
That has a ring to it.
A vanilla-y, cinnamon-y, ring to it.
Oh you can't hear taste? That's good because Paprika just called your mother a slut and your face a blemish on society. Oh Paprika. You spicy little bitch.

So I set off this morning trying to make protein-y yogurt based pancakes-for-one using the stuff I already have in my fridge. This consisted of these extremely specific, fine, fine ingredients...

3oz Vanilla Siggi's Icelandic Style 0% Skyr (similar to Greek yogurt)
1 tbls Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk
1.5 tbls Egg Whites
1/4 cup Vanilla MusclePharm Combat Powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 packet truvia
A dab of crunchy peanut butter

I combined my dry ingrediens and combined them with my mixed together wet ingredients, added that little bit of peanut butter because I add peanut butter to everything (next up: body wash!) and proceded to expect great things.

I only have one kinda-stir-fry pan and one saucepan (I'm that kid who can't be trusted to clean pots if she has more than one pot but mostly in the year I've lived in my current place, I've consistently forgotten to buy a second pot) so I got my stir-fry-y pan nice and hot and ready to go.

It started out beautifully. They were plump and cute little pancakes. The things I was expecting! Such great things!

Then I flipped them over.
Deflated. Both myself and the pancakes.

I quickly added more baking soda because I'm pretty sure baking soda heals all wounds and time can go suck it but it was to no avail.

All hell broke loose.
Actually, if hell is anything like what happened to these pancakes, I'm going start kicking puppies more often for the first time ever I swear.
The little flat, deflated, still-moist and soft disks I made were not pancakes anymore. They were better. They were crepes.

And crepes are entirely more fantastic than pancakes. You can roll crepes up with all sorts of goodness and that bitch just got portable. I still sat on my couch to eat them, however. But I did move them from my plate to my face pretty frequently. Held up like a champ.

2 oz Vanilla Siggi's Icelandic Style 0% Skyr (the rest of the cup)
40g banana, sliced
1 tsp of crunchy peanut butter

Spread some peanut butter. Slather some yogurt. Slip in some banana (that's what she said?). I'm pretty sure you can dress your own crepe but I went to a small private school founded by three French sisters with a name that ends in "ehhh" when it reads like "et" SO I'M KINDA AN EXPERT.


TASTE: 4/5 This are the yumz, guyz. Save for the tasting I do of my own baked goods, I don't typically eat many refined carbs or nothin so that means I don't eat much in the way of breads, or pastas, or cereal. Or crap. I also don't terribly like those things so for me to a) eat these crepes and b) like these crepes is saying a lot about them. Also with goodies like that inside of them, how could they not be tasty? Plus 34g of protein is not fucking around so they are very filling.

EASE: 4.5/5 Every ingredient I used was already in my fridge and since Whole Foods employees are starting to judge me with their eyes, that's nice.

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 2/5 Shrinking down this recipe to what I have it at now, it only makes enough to serve one person. Less ingredients, less chances for horrible, horrible messes. I mean I still made a mess but then I said "Bless this mess!" and that was that. I don't clean much. I mostly just let idioms take care of things.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? Um, it was breakfast time. The dog hadn't gotten out of bed yet. FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 1/5 OR 4/5 Ok two scores here. These are the least impressive pancakes you have ever seen. However, crepes are French and French sounds fancy and 34g of protein and only 29g of carbs for a typically carby kind of meal is enough to impress me. And I am all that matters. In the world.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A Healthier Banana Bread + Something Ridiculous

I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks and I am stressed.
I am stressed and I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
I have a hard time turning off my brain when I am stressed and when I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
Sometimes I sit up in bed and make little notes on my phone when I should be doing anything else.
Thankfully, this is the sort of shit that just won't quit...

And so it was determined that I was going to revamp my mother's banana nut bread recipe to make it...

  • healthier
  • chock full of other things
  • in a motherfucking apple
I think this was the best idea I've ever had in my ever. 
But before we get to that, let's examine how to make a very moist banana nut bread into a very moist and healthy banana nut bread using the stuff I have in my fridge. 

8 tbls tahini
24 packets Truvia
2/3 cups unsweetened applesauce
4 super ripe mashed bananas
3 tbls reduced fat sour cream
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup oat flour
1 cup vanilla protein powder
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Quick! Make me 18 or so regular sized Banana Nut Muffins!
Preheat oven to 375. Line your muffin sheet with some muffin papers.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, protein powder, baking soda, and salt to combine. Set aside.

Beat the tahini and truvia in an electric mixer until completely combined. Beat in the applesauce. Beat in the bananas and the sour cream. Add the vanilla. Slowly add the dry ingredients and mix until well combined. Add the chopped walnuts and mix by hand with a spoon of your liking. Or a fork. Or a hand. Go nuts. (Get it? GET IT?!?!?)

Fill the muffin papers 1/2 - 2/3 full of batter. Bake for 18 minutes. Eat! EEEEEAT!

Nutritional Information Per Muffin: 130 calories / 18g carbs / 7g fat / 6g protein / 3g fiber / 5g sugar

So that's cool and all. Healthy banana nut bread. Rad, guys, real rad. But I'm bored? And I still have other shit in my fridge? And it was entirely too easy to make a healthier banana nut bread that tastes exactly the same as regular old fatty-4-life banana nut bread. So let's do some add-ons, k? Plus we still have the iphone note to deal with...

If You Want Some Add-Ons, You've Come to the Right Place

Take 1 tsp of peanut butter and plop that sucker 
in the middle of your please-bake-me-soon muffins
Add 30 calories / 1g carb / 3g fat / 1g protein to your serving.

Use 1/2 tsp of peanut butter, 1/2 tsp of mini chocolate chips, and 1/2 a tsp of banana to form a 
little ball of gooey goodness. Drop that little marble from heaven into your unbaked muffin. 
Add 30 calories / 2g carbs / 2g fat / 1g protein / 1g sugar to your serving.  

Slice a few insanely thin slices of banana. Stick them in your 
why-haven’t-you-baked-me-yet muffins. Be artful. I dare you. 
The nutrition facts won’t really change if you’re like me and your slices are crazy thin/borderline meaningless. 

Just throw 1/2 tsp mini dark chocolate chips in (not on, like I did...I’m so ashamed)
your muffin already. You wanted to from the beginning. 
Add 11 calories / 1g carb / 1g fat / 1g sugar to your serving.

now onto why we were all put on this earth by a higher baking-soda-not-yeast-based bread...

I highly suggest baking some banana nut bread in a motherfucking apple. I used a fiji apple, cored it down to like half an inch from the bottom, and carefully scooped out a substantial part of the inside flesh of the apple. I left probably a half an inch wall at most. I'd say half the apple was removed. Fill your apple 2/3 full - mine fit about 2 muffins-worth. Place in a baking dish with a half inch or so of water in it. Bake for 35 minutes, or until the top of the banana bread seems set and a toothpick comes out clean.

Estimated Nutrition Facts Per Baked Apple Banana Nut Bread Amazing Thing: 310 calories / 46g carbs / 14g fat / 12g protein / 8g fat / 18g sugar


TASTE: 7/5 Yeah. I went there. I don't even need to explain it but I have never, ever, ever in my life minced words. I have minced everything (EVERYTHING!) else. The regular banana nut muffins are really yummy and taste exactly like the fatty version. So, you know, go team. But I ate half of the baked apple banana nut bread and, um, I don't want to ever go back to the person I was before eating that half of a banana nut bread baked in an apple.

EASE: 4/5 The hardest part is coring the apple. And saying "goodbye."

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 4/5 So when I opened the jar of tahini I didn't realize it was the kind with the oil on the top that needed to be stirred and so, blah blah blah, I have a really shiny complexion. As does my floor. And my oven. And my stroke-y dog.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? At one point, the dog emerged from the closet his office to stare me down and make weird noises. I'm pretty sure he knew something special was going on. Or he was having a stroke. Dunno.

IMPRESS-O-METER: I explained the dessert to the Impress-O-Meter who told me "HOLD THE PHONE." And then it looked sternly at me through the googly eyes I hot glued to its impress-o-face and said "forever."