Vanilla Protein Crepes

full recipe nutrition: 286 calories / 29g carbs / 4g fat / 34g protein / 2g fiber / 18g sugar

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm going to pretend you're a crepe and wrap yummy things inside you.
That has a ring to it.
A vanilla-y, cinnamon-y, ring to it.
Oh you can't hear taste? That's good because Paprika just called your mother a slut and your face a blemish on society. Oh Paprika. You spicy little bitch.

So I set off this morning trying to make protein-y yogurt based pancakes-for-one using the stuff I already have in my fridge. This consisted of these extremely specific, fine, fine ingredients...

3oz Vanilla Siggi's Icelandic Style 0% Skyr (similar to Greek yogurt)
1 tbls Unsweetened Vanilla Almond Milk
1.5 tbls Egg Whites
1/4 cup Vanilla MusclePharm Combat Powder
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 packet truvia
A dab of crunchy peanut butter

I combined my dry ingrediens and combined them with my mixed together wet ingredients, added that little bit of peanut butter because I add peanut butter to everything (next up: body wash!) and proceded to expect great things.

I only have one kinda-stir-fry pan and one saucepan (I'm that kid who can't be trusted to clean pots if she has more than one pot but mostly in the year I've lived in my current place, I've consistently forgotten to buy a second pot) so I got my stir-fry-y pan nice and hot and ready to go.

It started out beautifully. They were plump and cute little pancakes. The things I was expecting! Such great things!

Then I flipped them over.
Deflated. Both myself and the pancakes.

I quickly added more baking soda because I'm pretty sure baking soda heals all wounds and time can go suck it but it was to no avail.

All hell broke loose.
Actually, if hell is anything like what happened to these pancakes, I'm going start kicking puppies more often for the first time ever I swear.
The little flat, deflated, still-moist and soft disks I made were not pancakes anymore. They were better. They were crepes.

And crepes are entirely more fantastic than pancakes. You can roll crepes up with all sorts of goodness and that bitch just got portable. I still sat on my couch to eat them, however. But I did move them from my plate to my face pretty frequently. Held up like a champ.

Stuffing:
2 oz Vanilla Siggi's Icelandic Style 0% Skyr (the rest of the cup)
40g banana, sliced
1 tsp of crunchy peanut butter

Spread some peanut butter. Slather some yogurt. Slip in some banana (that's what she said?). I'm pretty sure you can dress your own crepe but I went to a small private school founded by three French sisters with a name that ends in "ehhh" when it reads like "et" SO I'M KINDA AN EXPERT.

RATE ME!!

TASTE: 4/5 This are the yumz, guyz. Save for the tasting I do of my own baked goods, I don't typically eat many refined carbs or nothin so that means I don't eat much in the way of breads, or pastas, or cereal. Or crap. I also don't terribly like those things so for me to a) eat these crepes and b) like these crepes is saying a lot about them. Also with goodies like that inside of them, how could they not be tasty? Plus 34g of protein is not fucking around so they are very filling.

EASE: 4.5/5 Every ingredient I used was already in my fridge and since Whole Foods employees are starting to judge me with their eyes, that's nice.

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 2/5 Shrinking down this recipe to what I have it at now, it only makes enough to serve one person. Less ingredients, less chances for horrible, horrible messes. I mean I still made a mess but then I said "Bless this mess!" and that was that. I don't clean much. I mostly just let idioms take care of things.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? Um, it was breakfast time. The dog hadn't gotten out of bed yet. FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 1/5 OR 4/5 Ok two scores here. These are the least impressive pancakes you have ever seen. However, crepes are French and French sounds fancy and 34g of protein and only 29g of carbs for a typically carby kind of meal is enough to impress me. And I am all that matters. In the world.

A Healthier Banana Bread + Something Ridiculous

I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks and I am stressed.
I am stressed and I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
I have a hard time turning off my brain when I am stressed and when I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
Sometimes I sit up in bed and make little notes on my phone when I should be doing anything else.
Thankfully, this is the sort of shit that just won't quit...

And so it was determined that I was going to revamp my mother's banana nut bread recipe to make it...

• healthier
• chock full of other things
• in a motherfucking apple

I think this was the best idea I've ever had in my ever. 

But before we get to that, let's examine how to make a very moist banana nut bread into a very moist and healthy banana nut bread using the stuff I have in my fridge. 

Ingredients

8 tbls tahini

24 packets Truvia

2/3 cups unsweetened applesauce

4 super ripe mashed bananas

3 tbls reduced fat sour cream

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 cup oat flour

1 cup vanilla protein powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Quick! Make me 18 or so regular sized Banana Nut Muffins!

Preheat oven to 375. Line your muffin sheet with some muffin papers.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, protein powder, baking soda, and salt to combine. Set aside.

Beat the tahini and truvia in an electric mixer until completely combined. Beat in the applesauce. Beat in the bananas and the sour cream. Add the vanilla. Slowly add the dry ingredients and mix until well combined. Add the chopped walnuts and mix by hand with a spoon of your liking. Or a fork. Or a hand. Go nuts. (Get it? GET IT?!?!?)

Fill the muffin papers 1/2 - 2/3 full of batter. Bake for 18 minutes. Eat! EEEEEAT!

Nutritional Information Per Muffin: 130 calories / 18g carbs / 7g fat / 6g protein / 3g fiber / 5g sugar

So that's cool and all. Healthy banana nut bread. Rad, guys, real rad. But I'm bored? And I still have other shit in my fridge? And it was entirely too easy to make a healthier banana nut bread that tastes exactly the same as regular old fatty-4-life banana nut bread. So let's do some add-ons, k? Plus we still have the iphone note to deal with...

If You Want Some Add-Ons, You've Come to the Right Place

Take 1 tsp of peanut butter and plop that sucker 

in the middle of your please-bake-me-soon muffins

Add 30 calories / 1g carb / 3g fat / 1g protein to your serving.

Use 1/2 tsp of peanut butter, 1/2 tsp of mini chocolate chips, and 1/2 a tsp of banana to form a 

little ball of gooey goodness. Drop that little marble from heaven into your unbaked muffin. 

Add 30 calories / 2g carbs / 2g fat / 1g protein / 1g sugar to your serving.  

Slice a few insanely thin slices of banana. Stick them in your 

why-haven’t-you-baked-me-yet muffins. Be artful. I dare you. 

The nutrition facts won’t really change if you’re like me and your slices are crazy thin/borderline meaningless. 

Just throw 1/2 tsp mini dark chocolate chips in (not on, like I did...I’m so ashamed)

your muffin already. You wanted to from the beginning. 

Add 11 calories / 1g carb / 1g fat / 1g sugar to your serving.

now onto why we were all put on this earth by a higher baking-soda-not-yeast-based bread...

BANANA NUT BREAD BAKED IN AN APPLE

IF YOU'RE DOWN FOR IT,

I highly suggest baking some banana nut bread in a motherfucking apple. I used a fiji apple, cored it down to like half an inch from the bottom, and carefully scooped out a substantial part of the inside flesh of the apple. I left probably a half an inch wall at most. I'd say half the apple was removed. Fill your apple 2/3 full - mine fit about 2 muffins-worth. Place in a baking dish with a half inch or so of water in it. Bake for 35 minutes, or until the top of the banana bread seems set and a toothpick comes out clean.

Estimated Nutrition Facts Per Baked Apple Banana Nut Bread Amazing Thing: 310 calories / 46g carbs / 14g fat / 12g protein / 8g fat / 18g sugar

RATE ME!!!

TASTE: 7/5 Yeah. I went there. I don't even need to explain it but I have never, ever, ever in my life minced words. I have minced everything (EVERYTHING!) else. The regular banana nut muffins are really yummy and taste exactly like the fatty version. So, you know, go team. But I ate half of the baked apple banana nut bread and, um, I don't want to ever go back to the person I was before eating that half of a banana nut bread baked in an apple.

EASE: 4/5 The hardest part is coring the apple. And saying "goodbye."

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 4/5 So when I opened the jar of tahini I didn't realize it was the kind with the oil on the top that needed to be stirred and so, blah blah blah, I have a really shiny complexion. As does my floor. And my oven. And my stroke-y dog.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? At one point, the dog emerged from the closet his office to stare me down and make weird noises. I'm pretty sure he knew something special was going on. Or he was having a stroke. Dunno.

IMPRESS-O-METER: I explained the dessert to the Impress-O-Meter who told me "HOLD THE PHONE." And then it looked sternly at me through the googly eyes I hot glued to its impress-o-face and said "forever."

Peanut Butter Cupcakes Three Ways

Hey there.

Are you sick and tired of having only one way to enjoy your peanut butter cupcakes?

Are you tossing and turning night after night, wrestling with the idea of settling down with just one peanut butter cupcake topping?

Are you pretty sure peanut butter cupcakes know you're not a hit it and quit it type of person but sometimes your eyes wander and then your mouth wanders but it's okay baby, you're still the peanut butter cupcake for me but sometimes a grown adult just has these urges that are totally, totally normal and happen to everyone and if God wanted us to only enjoy one type of peanut butter cupcake for the rest of our lives, he wouldn't have given us taste buds?

Stop! You don't have to settle for another sleepless night!

Now you can live the good life with Mini Peanut Butter Cupcakes Three Ways!

Because you deserve it.  And cupcakenogomy is dead.

So that was weird, huh? I mean, all I've had for dinner tonight is cupcakes, 1/2 cup of edamame, and a yogurt and while that may seem like the perfect meal - it very much is the perfect meal and you were right for thinking that. My hands may be shaking? I can't imagine any correlation. Is this the danger of eating around? I should have used protection.

Let's get on with the deets...

Cupcake Ingredients

1/2 cup vanilla protein powder (use soy based protein powder to keep it vegan)

1/2 cup oat flour

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup + 1 tbls crunchy peanut butter

18 packets Truvia

2/3 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 tsp vanilla extract

1/2 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (or any variation)

Optional: a couple chocolate chips for plopping in the middle of the cupcakes before baking

Do as I say

Preheat the oven to 325. Line a mini cupcake pan with some mini liners. This recipe makes three and a half dozen mini cupcakes. Get ready to be overwhelmed. 

In a medium bowl, whisk the protein powder, oat flour, salt, and baking powder. Set aside.

Beat the peanut butter with the truvia with an electric mixer until well blended. Add the applesauce and beat it like Chris Brown just caught it with another cupcake. (Too soon? Too nonsensical?) Mix in the vanilla. Mix in some of the dry mixture followed by some of the milk and continue alternating, finishing with the dry ingredients. Mix until fully incorporated.

Fill your mini cupcakes about 2/3 of the way full (here's where you can add some chocolate chips in the middle if you want) and pop in the oven for 12 minutes. Take out, let cool, repeat a half a million times.

Now let's get on with the cupcake swinging...

Option 1: Peanut Butter and Jelly

Ingredients

4 tbls vegan butter

3/4 cup confectioners sugar (I didn't have enough - don't make my mistakes.)

A splash of unsweetened vanilla almond milk

2 tbls of your jam of choice...but always choose red fig jam. No pressure.

Get on with it

Using an electric mixture, beat the vegan butter on high for a bit. Then add the confectioners sugar and beat until it incorporates. Beat harder and faster (teehee) to fluff it up (teeeeeheeeee). Add the splash of milk and the jam. Beat beat beat beat until you're happy with it. Spread it on the cupcakes. Devour the cupcakes.

Option 2: The Jackson Pollock

Ingredients

1/4 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk (I had a lot of it, okay?)

2 tbls vegan butter

1/2 cup dark chocolate chips

Take the lazy way out

Get the butter and milk in a bowl together. Pop it in the microwave for a minute. Mix it. Add the chocolate chips and stir until smooth. Take your spoon and flick the ganache across the cupcake top like a masterful artist who's probably a little lot drunk hammered. Enjoy your delicate work of art.

Option 3: Chocolate Smothered Peanut Butter

Using the same ingredients as above

Dip your mini cupcakes top down into the bowl of ganache. Swirl a bit and set it on a cooling rack to set. Refrigerate to harden. Make sure to get chocolate all over your face and hands and face some more when you lose all self control and eat these like a savage animal. Yum!

So there you go. Three different options for your indecisive needs. And if you need more than three, you're just a sick fuck.

RATE ME!!

TASTE: 5/5 These cupcakes are so very good. Each option is a winner. And my love for bite-sized goodies is undeniable. If anything, the vegan substitutions in the batter elevate the taste and consistency. The cake itself is perfectly peanut buttery and the little crunches of peanuts are stupid good. Creamy peanut butter is for pussies and WonderBread. And you don't look like WonderBread to me...

EASE: 4/5 Vegan recipes are just oddly easy, if you ask me. Everything is so...soft. And when there's nothing in the batter that can cause you crippling stomach cramps if eaten in its raw form, it's also incredibly easy to taste as you go and adjust to your liking. And I like to pretend that it's healthier too. It's like taking a completely non-violent action to a bird with two stones! I think!

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 5/5 I'm just going to burn it down and start fresh. I think I have peanut butter and/or jam in my hair. I'll just shave my head. It's fine. I want to move on from this forever.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? The dog woofed at me at one point because he realized it was 1am and I hadn't taken him out yet. Then I was all like, "Frank, shut the front door." And that confused him enough to convince him to go back to bed. (I'm pretty up to speed with my dog's mental capacity.) I think he's hibernating.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 4/5 If I've said it a million times, I will now say it a million and one times: vegan baking earns you street cred. Sure, it's a street that's gentrifying more and more with each passing second but it's also a street. And you cannot get cred anywhere else. Also, I hear they just opened up a new coffee house that serves one no-frills-back-to-basics brew in hand thrown mugs from a Polish grandmother's open-air studio that used to be a whorehouse. It's also fair-trade. It's pretty legit.

Mini Cupcake Nutrition Facts

per Peanut Butter Cupcake

32 calories / 3g carbs / 2g fat / 2g protein / 0g fiber / 1g sugar

per Peanut Butter and Jelly Mini Cupcake (estimation based on the recipe making enough for 20 or so servings)

72 calories / 8g carbs / 4g fat / 2g protein / 0g fiber / 6g sugar

per Chocolate Smother Peanut Butter Cupcake (estimation based on the recipe making a shit ton of ganache - I guessed 60 cupcake tops worth)

45 calories / 4g carbs / 3g fat / 2g protein / 0g fiber / 2g sugar

Spicy Tofu Nuggets

Hey! These aren't cookies or cupcakes or muffins or cake-cakes or brownies or salty chocolate peanut butter balls! What the what?!!?!

Hear me out.

Just as the Native Americans respected the animals they killed by using every part of their bodies in some productive way, so have I respected the left over wheat germ and tofu from my healthier mini and bite sized cheesecakes. Because let's be real folks, I currently pay rent for two apartments and I work in retail and I do all my shopping at the Whole Foods attached to my building. Bottom line: this girl is dirt poor. (Dammit.) And that wheat germ and sandwich baggy of tofu in my fridge is not going to waste. (Dammit!) Unless these tasted bad. (Dammit?) Then boy would my face be red.

People in my financial situation use ottomans as tables, macbooks as plates, and iphones for cameras.
#whitegirlproblems 

My face is not red. 

That's just my normal healthy glow, folks. These Spicy Tofu Nuggets are everything you could hope for in a super easy to make, super healthy, meatless nugget recipe. And I hope for so much in these things!

Now if I could only figure out what to do with the tofu's hide and brain. What's that, you said? Tofu doesn't have hide or a brain? Then what have I been tanning for days to make into a festive tunic? And where's my dog?

Spicy Tofu Nuggets

note: I had about 3.85oz of left over tofu that I cut into 5 uniform pieces and one almost full misshapen piece...this recipe follows the amount of stuff I used to make about 6 tofu nuggets

Ingredients

nuggets

extra firm tofu, cut into 2"ish triangle nuggets and patted as dry as you can pat them (pat more!)

breading

2 tbls raw wheat germ

1 tbls parmesan (I used shaved because I had it in my fridge. respect the fridge - use the whole fridge. especially the drawers.)

1 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp onion powder

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp oregano

1/2 tsp black pepper

wash

3 tbls egg whites

3.15 oz unsweetened soy milk

fry bake like bacon imitation meat!
Oh fuck it. Just let me eat you.

Bake Them Nuggets

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. spray of baking sheet with cooking spray.

whisk your egg whites and soy milk in a small bowl. in another small bowl or in a ziploc bag (aforementioned poor folk like myself are all out of ziploc bags smaller than a gallon - my life is so touch and go these days!), combine the breading ingredients. make your little breading/washing/breading station and proceed to bread/wash/bread. you'll coat the tofu nugget once in breading, then dunk it in the wash, then back in the breading and onto the baking pan. arrange them on the baking sheet and pop in the oven for 15 minutes. Flip over and bake for another 15 minutes. Bake/flip/bake/flip in shorter intervals until you reach the tofu density you prefer. I ended up doing it about another 12 minutes. I like my tofu nuggets like I like my life: tough.* 

*That's top five one of the more ridiculous things I've said in days.

I hope tofu hooves make glue as wonderful as this nugget tastes!

Nutrition Facts

Calculated by Wizardry

Per Nugget

35 calories / 3g carbs / 1g fat / 3g protein / 1g fiber / 1g sugar / 1g cholesterol / 10mg sodium

RATE ME!!

TASTE: 4.85/5 .15 was taken off here because I should have used grated parmesan. It's all very technical, you see. Otherwise, damn you bitches taste mighty fine. I'd say they taste better than chicken nuggets but I think chicken tastes disgusting so that be like saying they taste better than shoes. And they taste a million times better than shoes. So by my standards of reasoning and logic, these tofu nuggets taste 1,000,000 times better than chicken nuggets. There. Done.

EASE: 5/5 If you've ever made eggplant parmesan, you know just how easy it is to dredge stuff and make it taste great.

FILFTH OF KITCHEN: 2/5 Not too bad! Mostly just heaps of paper towels from those jerky uncooked tofu pieces that thought if they were damp for forever, I may not eat them. Idiots.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? It's almost 2pm. The dog is still passed out asleep. He doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000 in raw steak. He also likes carrots.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 5/5 Sure, everyone can make tofu nuggets but can everyone say they have raw wheat germ hanging around? I DIDN'T THINK SO. WALK AWAY.

Post-Workout Cookie Sandwiches Revisited

I gave my I'm-Real-Beat-From-Running-Someone-Get-This-Girl-A-Cookie-Sandwich recipe a moderate facelift yesterday. It's the same basic idea, just a few ingredient replacement. So here goes it!

Ingredients

1/2 cup vanilla protein powder (use a soy-based powder for vegan)

1/3 cup oat flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

4oz fresh ground almond butter

18 packets Truvia

1/4 to 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 tsp vanilla

2 tbls instant espresso powder

1 1/2 cups oats

1/2 cup mini dark chocolate chips

Do These Things Now

Whisk your protein powder, oat flour, baking soda, salt, and cocoa powder together in a bowl. Set aside. In a mixing bowl, "cream" the almond butter, applesauce and truvia til smooth. Add the tsp of vanilla and the espresso powder. Mix some more. Add the dry ingredient mixture a half a cup at a time. It should seem pretty dry. If it seems too dry, add a bit more applesauce. Add the vanilla and espresso powder. Smoooooth. Fold in the oats and the chocolate chips.

Divide the dough in half. Take one half and plop it down on some wax paper. Wrap it up like a tootsie roll and roll it out into a log. It should be about an inch and half or so in diameter. Wrap tightly in the wax paper and let cool in the fridge for 4-6 hours. Repeat with remaining half of dough.

4-6 hours/one reading of The Hunger Games later...

Preheat the oven to 350. Line some cookie sheets with parchment paper. Take your doughy logs out of the fridge. Slice the logs into thinnish cookie disks no bigger than a half an inch wide. If they crack a bit, you can always reform them with a little of the fallen off dough. Press the disks down onto the cookie sheets, making them just a tad slimmer and peanut butter spreading friendlier. Add fallen apart dough as needed. Bake for 9 minutes. Remove and cool for a minute or 2 on the sheets, then transfer to cooling racks.

Assembly!

This is pretty straightforward. If it isn't, I'm afraid of how you got this far and no, this is not a pie recipe. Take one cookie. Spread a tablespoon of your favorite chunky peanut butter on the smooth bottom side. Top with another cookie's smooth bottom side. Giggle about "smooth bottom sides."

Nutrition Facts

Per cookie 

50 calories / 6g carbs / 3g fat / 2g protein / 1g fiber / 0g sugar

(based off the recipe making the 42 cookies I made)

Per cookie sandwich with a tablespoon of Maranatha No Stir Crunchy Peanut Butter

190 calories / 16g carbs / 14g fat / 8g protein / 3g fiber / 3g sugar

One-Bite Orange Ginger Cheesecake-y Muffins

 RAPID CHEESECAKE FIRE. That's what's going on right now.

So those first cheesecakes were self-accessed as "pretty okay." Not bad by any means, but mostly okay. I mean, fat free sour cream + fat free cream cheese is a lot of freedom from fat. And freedom is great and all, don't get me wrong. I've seen Braveheart. Like, a lot of times. I know about freedom. But sometimes, folks (me) just don't know what's good for them (me). That's why we need SOPA NC-17 movies waterboarding reduced fat cream cheese and sour cream. (I knew it!)

Also, I wasn't wild about the chocolate cheesecake thing. I know some people like that (I bet you like freedom too, huh? I THOUGHT SO. Communist!) but I mean, I like my cheesecake beige and creamy. I also wanted something a little more yogurt-friendly (I like to put my foods inside my foods to make foodier foods) so, likeisaid, chocolate was just not quite right. So I went with a classic, tried and true combo: orange and ginger. The combination of pretentious champions. And, coincidentally, my second favorite icelandic skyr style yogurt flavor too*.

So here you go. Delicious One-Bite Orange Ginger Cheesecake-y Muffins. I changed the name to something entirely more complicated because they really aren't cheesecakes when they are this tiny. They are more so cheesecake inspired muffins. So pop them in your mouth, your icelandic skyr style yogurt, your organic large curd cottage cheese, or make them a vehicle for red fig jam (RED FIG JAM GUYS). Mostly just eat them. You can always just eat them. If you're into that.

*It's okay if you're no longer cool enough to be my friend anymore after this sentence. You probably never were.

Orange Ginger Cheesecake-y Muffins or Ramekin Cheesecakes
Makes 24 One-Biters or 4 small Ramekin Cakes

Ingredients:
4 tbls wheat germ
8 oz reduced fat cream cheese
4oz extra firm tofu
11 packets truvia
1/2 egg
1 egg white
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 orange extract
4 oz reduced fat sour cream
15g ginger candy, grated or broken up
some orange zest

Directions:
PREP Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Spray a mini cupcake pan with some baking spray. Equally distribute some wheat germ on the bottom for your "crusts." Place the pan in the freezer.
MAKE Toss the cream cheese, tofu, and truvia in your food processor and process until smooth. Add the egg, egg white, vanilla, and orange extract. Process! Add the sour cream, ginger candy, and orange zest. Process!
ASSEMBLE Take the pan out of the freezer and spoon the cheesecake mixture into the cupcake pods. It's around 2 tbls ish or so of creamy goodness.
BAKE in your oven for 20 minutes. I think. Take out and cool and nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.




RATE ME!!!


TASTE: 3.9/5 Oh these are significantly yummier, yes. I also made one bigger one that was less muffin-y (hard to keep something that small moist enough for a cheesecake, ya know?) and more cheesecake-y and hooooly shit. Yum city.


EASE: 5/5 Anything with a food processor and a food processor only is magnificent.


FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 2/5 Okay I dropped a fork with cheesecake batter on it all over myself and then it fell on the floor and that was gross. It was also the only mess. Nice. I have cheesecake on my pants. Upgrade.


DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? Shhhhh. The dog is sleeping. Don't wake him, even though it's moderately impossible to do so. Unless you just said :walk." Did you just say walk? Are we going on a walk? We are? We're going on a walk? Because I think you said walk? I'm pretty sure I heard walk come out of your mouth when you said walk because you definitely said walk and I like to go on walks and I'm awake now. Look what you've done.


IMPRESS-O-METER: 4.5/5 Ahem. Orange. And ginger. And one bite cheesecakes. Oh they are 42 calories a bite-size piece too (250 calories a ramekin). CUZ YOU KNOW HOW I DO.

Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes

It's safe to say that everything is better in miniature form. (I'm sorry, have you seen miniature ponies?) I can think of literally tens of other things that follow suit. Bonsai trees. Shrunken heads. Teacup anythings. My apartment. Chocolate Cheesecake.

Shrunken Teacup Studio Apartment Chocolate Cheesecake slices. Cuuuute.
(Bonsai.)

Six things. I can think of six things that are better in miniature form. See? Everything.

Before we go on and on and on and on (my God, it's already starting) about Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes, let's take a closer look at thing #5: my apartment. Bitch you be mad tiny. Like I've seen a lot kitchen sinks (I think?) but rarely have I seen one that, with proper aim, you can throw shit in ala office trashcan basketball hoops (the one exception to the miniature rule - pretty sure only assholes have those) while lying comfortably in your bed. Does that make sense? I don't care. My apartment is like miniature pony of apartments. And I have loved it for 11 months.

So as the lease on my tiny studio apartment winds down, it seems only fitting to make something miniature. In honor of my tiny studio apartment and all things miniature (I listed them all above, if you forgot what they were. That's the complete list. Also? You should be kinda worried that you couldn't remember that list. It was only a handful of sentences ago. It's probably a tumor.) I present some Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes. Oh and they'll keep you tiny too because who wants giant people when miniature is so much better? SEVEN! Seven things! I did it!

Recipe adapted from Women's Health because I am crazier than Women's Health. And don't you forget it!

Makes 14ish standard sized cupcakes

Ingredients
4 tbl wheat germ
2 8oz packages of fat free cream cheese*
8 oz very firm tofu, drained
24 packets Truvia
1 egg
2 egg whites
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 unsweetened cocoa powder
8 oz fat free sour cream*
Some of this red fig jam I'm obsessed with

*(Use these if you're also crazy. Use reduced fat for it to taste better.)

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. You can use terribly adorable cupcake liners or not. The not version turned out prettier but the liner was easier to handle. Either way, use some cooking spray to lightly coat the insides on the liners/pan. Dust the bottoms with some wheat germ for your crumb base. Toss that pan in your freezer.

Blend the cream cheese, tofu, and sugar (substitute) in a food processor. Add egg, egg whites, and vanilla. Process some more. Add the cocoa powder and sour cream. Process!

"Process me like one of your French girls."

Take your pan out of the freezer and load them up with cheesecake batter. Put them in the oven for like 20ish minutes or until they look done. That's helpful, right? Top with that jam I love.

Is that red fig jam on your mini slice of mini cheesecake?
BECAUSE IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE HEAVEN. 

RATE ME!!!

TASTE: 2.99/5 (Updated: they taste significantly better after a few hours of refrigeration.) So okay, I went a little too *crazy with the fat free-ing. One or both of the creamy white parts needs to be at just reduced fat. But they still taste good and I would put red fig jam on everything I eat if I could. And since I live alone, I can. And I do.


EASE: 5/5 The only way this could possibly be easier would be if my food processor didn't have the motor of a chainsaw and as such, wouldn't leave my ears ringing for hours. It hurts.


FILTH OF KITCHEN: 1.5/5 Hey! Way to go Mini Chocolate Cheesecakes! You are almost entirely contained to 2 washable things! MINIATURES DO IT BETTER. Amiright?


DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? If the dog doesn't go back to eating the dough when I move to my new apartment, the dog is going to have to start paying rent. The fuck happened to my living breathing vacuum/Swiffer Wet Jet all-in-one?


IMPRESS-O-METER: 4.5/5 Oh, haven't you heard? Miniature things are the best things.

Nutritional facts per mini cake:
76 calories / 13g carbs / 2g fat / 8g protein / 1g fiber / 2g sugar