A Healthier Banana Bread + Something Ridiculous

I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks and I am stressed.
I am stressed and I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
I have a hard time turning off my brain when I am stressed and when I am moving 225 miles away in 2 weeks.
Sometimes I sit up in bed and make little notes on my phone when I should be doing anything else.
Thankfully, this is the sort of shit that just won't quit...

And so it was determined that I was going to revamp my mother's banana nut bread recipe to make it...

• healthier
• chock full of other things
• in a motherfucking apple

I think this was the best idea I've ever had in my ever. 

But before we get to that, let's examine how to make a very moist banana nut bread into a very moist and healthy banana nut bread using the stuff I have in my fridge. 

Ingredients

8 tbls tahini

24 packets Truvia

2/3 cups unsweetened applesauce

4 super ripe mashed bananas

3 tbls reduced fat sour cream

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 cup oat flour

1 cup vanilla protein powder

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Quick! Make me 18 or so regular sized Banana Nut Muffins!

Preheat oven to 375. Line your muffin sheet with some muffin papers.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, protein powder, baking soda, and salt to combine. Set aside.

Beat the tahini and truvia in an electric mixer until completely combined. Beat in the applesauce. Beat in the bananas and the sour cream. Add the vanilla. Slowly add the dry ingredients and mix until well combined. Add the chopped walnuts and mix by hand with a spoon of your liking. Or a fork. Or a hand. Go nuts. (Get it? GET IT?!?!?)

Fill the muffin papers 1/2 - 2/3 full of batter. Bake for 18 minutes. Eat! EEEEEAT!

Nutritional Information Per Muffin: 130 calories / 18g carbs / 7g fat / 6g protein / 3g fiber / 5g sugar

So that's cool and all. Healthy banana nut bread. Rad, guys, real rad. But I'm bored? And I still have other shit in my fridge? And it was entirely too easy to make a healthier banana nut bread that tastes exactly the same as regular old fatty-4-life banana nut bread. So let's do some add-ons, k? Plus we still have the iphone note to deal with...

If You Want Some Add-Ons, You've Come to the Right Place

Take 1 tsp of peanut butter and plop that sucker 

in the middle of your please-bake-me-soon muffins

Add 30 calories / 1g carb / 3g fat / 1g protein to your serving.

Use 1/2 tsp of peanut butter, 1/2 tsp of mini chocolate chips, and 1/2 a tsp of banana to form a 

little ball of gooey goodness. Drop that little marble from heaven into your unbaked muffin. 

Add 30 calories / 2g carbs / 2g fat / 1g protein / 1g sugar to your serving.  

Slice a few insanely thin slices of banana. Stick them in your 

why-haven’t-you-baked-me-yet muffins. Be artful. I dare you. 

The nutrition facts won’t really change if you’re like me and your slices are crazy thin/borderline meaningless. 

Just throw 1/2 tsp mini dark chocolate chips in (not on, like I did...I’m so ashamed)

your muffin already. You wanted to from the beginning. 

Add 11 calories / 1g carb / 1g fat / 1g sugar to your serving.

now onto why we were all put on this earth by a higher baking-soda-not-yeast-based bread...

BANANA NUT BREAD BAKED IN AN APPLE

IF YOU'RE DOWN FOR IT,

I highly suggest baking some banana nut bread in a motherfucking apple. I used a fiji apple, cored it down to like half an inch from the bottom, and carefully scooped out a substantial part of the inside flesh of the apple. I left probably a half an inch wall at most. I'd say half the apple was removed. Fill your apple 2/3 full - mine fit about 2 muffins-worth. Place in a baking dish with a half inch or so of water in it. Bake for 35 minutes, or until the top of the banana bread seems set and a toothpick comes out clean.

Estimated Nutrition Facts Per Baked Apple Banana Nut Bread Amazing Thing: 310 calories / 46g carbs / 14g fat / 12g protein / 8g fat / 18g sugar

RATE ME!!!

TASTE: 7/5 Yeah. I went there. I don't even need to explain it but I have never, ever, ever in my life minced words. I have minced everything (EVERYTHING!) else. The regular banana nut muffins are really yummy and taste exactly like the fatty version. So, you know, go team. But I ate half of the baked apple banana nut bread and, um, I don't want to ever go back to the person I was before eating that half of a banana nut bread baked in an apple.

EASE: 4/5 The hardest part is coring the apple. And saying "goodbye."

FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 4/5 So when I opened the jar of tahini I didn't realize it was the kind with the oil on the top that needed to be stirred and so, blah blah blah, I have a really shiny complexion. As does my floor. And my oven. And my stroke-y dog.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? At one point, the dog emerged from the closet his office to stare me down and make weird noises. I'm pretty sure he knew something special was going on. Or he was having a stroke. Dunno.

IMPRESS-O-METER: I explained the dessert to the Impress-O-Meter who told me "HOLD THE PHONE." And then it looked sternly at me through the googly eyes I hot glued to its impress-o-face and said "forever."

Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes

It's safe to say that everything is better in miniature form. (I'm sorry, have you seen miniature ponies?) I can think of literally tens of other things that follow suit. Bonsai trees. Shrunken heads. Teacup anythings. My apartment. Chocolate Cheesecake.

Shrunken Teacup Studio Apartment Chocolate Cheesecake slices. Cuuuute.
(Bonsai.)

Six things. I can think of six things that are better in miniature form. See? Everything.

Before we go on and on and on and on (my God, it's already starting) about Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes, let's take a closer look at thing #5: my apartment. Bitch you be mad tiny. Like I've seen a lot kitchen sinks (I think?) but rarely have I seen one that, with proper aim, you can throw shit in ala office trashcan basketball hoops (the one exception to the miniature rule - pretty sure only assholes have those) while lying comfortably in your bed. Does that make sense? I don't care. My apartment is like miniature pony of apartments. And I have loved it for 11 months.

So as the lease on my tiny studio apartment winds down, it seems only fitting to make something miniature. In honor of my tiny studio apartment and all things miniature (I listed them all above, if you forgot what they were. That's the complete list. Also? You should be kinda worried that you couldn't remember that list. It was only a handful of sentences ago. It's probably a tumor.) I present some Miniature Chocolate Cheesecakes. Oh and they'll keep you tiny too because who wants giant people when miniature is so much better? SEVEN! Seven things! I did it!

Recipe adapted from Women's Health because I am crazier than Women's Health. And don't you forget it!

Makes 14ish standard sized cupcakes

Ingredients
4 tbl wheat germ
2 8oz packages of fat free cream cheese*
8 oz very firm tofu, drained
24 packets Truvia
1 egg
2 egg whites
1 tsp vanilla extract
2/3 unsweetened cocoa powder
8 oz fat free sour cream*
Some of this red fig jam I'm obsessed with

*(Use these if you're also crazy. Use reduced fat for it to taste better.)

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. You can use terribly adorable cupcake liners or not. The not version turned out prettier but the liner was easier to handle. Either way, use some cooking spray to lightly coat the insides on the liners/pan. Dust the bottoms with some wheat germ for your crumb base. Toss that pan in your freezer.

Blend the cream cheese, tofu, and sugar (substitute) in a food processor. Add egg, egg whites, and vanilla. Process some more. Add the cocoa powder and sour cream. Process!

"Process me like one of your French girls."

Take your pan out of the freezer and load them up with cheesecake batter. Put them in the oven for like 20ish minutes or until they look done. That's helpful, right? Top with that jam I love.

Is that red fig jam on your mini slice of mini cheesecake?
BECAUSE IT LOOKS A LOT LIKE HEAVEN. 

RATE ME!!!

TASTE: 2.99/5 (Updated: they taste significantly better after a few hours of refrigeration.) So okay, I went a little too *crazy with the fat free-ing. One or both of the creamy white parts needs to be at just reduced fat. But they still taste good and I would put red fig jam on everything I eat if I could. And since I live alone, I can. And I do.


EASE: 5/5 The only way this could possibly be easier would be if my food processor didn't have the motor of a chainsaw and as such, wouldn't leave my ears ringing for hours. It hurts.


FILTH OF KITCHEN: 1.5/5 Hey! Way to go Mini Chocolate Cheesecakes! You are almost entirely contained to 2 washable things! MINIATURES DO IT BETTER. Amiright?


DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? If the dog doesn't go back to eating the dough when I move to my new apartment, the dog is going to have to start paying rent. The fuck happened to my living breathing vacuum/Swiffer Wet Jet all-in-one?


IMPRESS-O-METER: 4.5/5 Oh, haven't you heard? Miniature things are the best things.

Nutritional facts per mini cake:
76 calories / 13g carbs / 2g fat / 8g protein / 1g fiber / 2g sugar

You Eat Post-Workout Snacks Like A Girl

Vegan Chocolate Espresso Oatmeal Peanut Butter Cookie Sandwiches. (whew.)

I have some pretty silly fears. Elevator doors closing on me. Falling down escalators. Falling up stairs. Falling on my face. (There is something wrong with my balance? There is something wrong with my balance.)

But those are the normal socially accepted  ones I typically admit. I also have food fears that I keep somewhat to myself. Oh who am I kidding, I don't keep anything to myself. You look horrible today, by the way. But yeah. Food fears. Fears makes it sound a little too wacky, I think. We'll call them food aversions. Eek. These include, but are not limited to, the following: cheese, bread, cereal, butter, oil, meat of all kinds, sugar. They come and go (eggs and milk used to be there too, so I'm open to modifying my psychosis) for various nonsensical reasons. So I've been adjusting my foods to be less scary, more approachable, friendlier, faster, stronger, better, cuter, more charming. Wait what? No, no. All that's perfect. And true.

It's common knowledge that I like my cookie doughs to look as
much like bowel movements as possible.

But where I struggle the most is carbs. Specifically post-workout carbs. And to make it worse, I've been falling in love with running these days. And as we're getting pretty hot and heavy, it's becoming readily apparent to me that I need to eat some damn carbs after those runs. For the sake of having enough energy to run again. But I don't want to eat a tuna sandwich everyday. Orrrr ever.

Is that oatmeal in there or little glimmers of sunshine?
(It's oatmeal.)

So I'm going to eat my post-workout snacks like a girl. Mostly because that is clearly the only way I know how. They're going to be Chocolate Espresso Oatmeal Cookie Peanut Butter Sandwiches. And they are going to be life-altering.

Ok. They are going be incredibly yummy. And a little funny looking. Oh and they're going to be - relatively - good for you. And vegan. Because why the fuck not, amiright?

Cute in that ugly you-must-have-come-from-turdy-batter way.
You know?

Adapted from this recipe.  Here's how...

Assemble these things:
3/4  cup of oat flour
1/4  cup of unsweetened cocoa powder
1/4  tsp salt
1/2  tsp baking soda
6  tbls vegan buttery flavor sticks
2  tbls unsweetened applesauce
18  packets of Truvia
2  oz cooled espresso
1 1/2  tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2  cups of oats
1/2  cup of chocolate chips
wax paper and parchment paper

Do these things to those things:

1. Whisk first 4 dry ingredients together in a bowl. Set aside to let it think about what it did.
2. Cream the "butter" and applesauce with the "sugar" in a mixer. Make air quotes.
3. Add the espresso and vanilla. Is it smoothish? Let me introduce you to step 4...
4. Nice to finally meet you. Stir in the oats and chocolate chips with a spoon of sorts.
5. Divide the dough in half. Place the halves in their own wax papers. Roll the doughs into 2 log (you-know-what) shapes, about 2" in diameter. Wrap up and refrigerate for at least 2 hours.

Come back. Preheat the oven to 350. Parchment paper your cookie sheets.

1. Slice the logs into 1/2" wide cookies. I got about 3 dozen cookies out of this. The original recipe claims 48. I call bullshit on this.
2. Bake the cookies for about 10 minutes, or until the tops look a bit dry.
3. Remove. Cool in sheets for a few minutes. Cool on cookie racks for many more minutes.
4. Assemble two cookies with a tablespoon of crunchy peanut butter.
5. LOOK WHAT I'VE CREATED. I HAVE MADE PERFECT POST-RUN SNACK!

Nutritional Info Per Cookie
56 calories / 8g carbs / 3g fat / 1g protein / 1g fiber / 2g sugar


Nutritional Info Per Sandwich 
202 calories / 19g carbs / 15g fat / 6g protein / 3g fiber / 6g sugar

This beats a tuna sandwich 99% of time.
Dolphin meat wins 1% of the time.

RATE ME!!

TASTE: 5/5 TASTES SO GOOD IN MY SWEATY RUNNER MOUTH. It also tastes good in my regular mouth. These would also probably taste good in a shoe.

EASE: 4/5 I made the dough on my lunch break today, but only after stopping at the grocery, eating some lunch, and some general fucking around. The hardest part was cutting the turd roll. And that was easy as Sunday morning. Or Wednesday lunch break.

FILTH OF KITCHEN: 3/5 This is hard because my kitchen is a pigsty to begin with. As is the area by my kitchen (known from here on out as The Entirety of the Rest of My Studio Apartment) where I decided I didn't feel like folding my laundry yet. Oh me. I didn't add too much extra mess, however. Just a lot.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? STOP REMINDING ME THAT MY DOG IS AFRAID OF MY KITCHEN ALREADY.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 2.5/5 Yeah these guys are ugly. That's for certain. -2 points. But they are Vegan (+1), Sandwich Cookies (+1), and made entirely from my heart (+.5). And then -1 for that last comment. And add another +1 for healthy-ness. Have we carried any ones yet? Perfect.

Banana Chocolate Cream Whoopie Pies

I thought I'd open this post with something I like to call: Show the Terrifying End Result of the Story in Order to Lure in the Audience. I'm a big time Hollywood producer now. NBD.

See what you've got here is fucking horrifying. It's carnage. It's utter destruction. But I don't know if you see what I did there...See I showed you a little banana cream pie beacon of hope too. I was worried you didn't see that. What I did there. Just...stay with me. I swear it's worth it. And if it isn't, you got a tour of my kitchen for your trouble. IT'S SO ROOMY.

I'm the first one in the world to say this so take a seat. I have really fantastic ideas in the shower. Sure, they're typically overshadowed by the OMIGODMYHEADISBLEEDING moment when I forget that's just red hair dye going down the drain, not my brains. (It might be my brains though too?) But if an idea can get past that hurdle, it's a keeper.

And so, I offer you The Banana Chocolate Cream Whoopie Pie. Courtesy my thought process when I'm nakey. 

Teehee.

I've been trying for 3-5 minutes to figure out how to properly describe these little goodies. Nothing's quite right but I think I'm close.

HOLY FUCK.

I mean, wow. Wow wow wow. But more of that later.

First things first, I prepared my browser for the evening. I set my bookmarks to Full Throttle. I'm in it to win or something.

HOW BOUT THAT BIGGEST LOSER FINALE?!?! AMIRIGHT!

Then I made something that looked remarkably like a turd.

You should be on your way out, not in.

Part of my stroke of genius was to make a double chocolate chip banana cookie for the whoopie pie. This was a mistake. Don't do this. They don't whoopie pie very well. Stick with your everyday banana chocolate chip cookie.

Hey! You! You don't belong there!
I can't eat you when you're there!

While the much more delicious banana chocolate chip cookies were baking, I got started on the custard. This is crucial to my whoopie pie cause. Because a banana chocolate cream pie without custard is like that horrible bitch in high school without her good looks: some bananas in some crusty shit that will probably wind up pregnant with a bastard child 1-3 months after graduation.

Much like the man in the moon,
there is usually a dinosaur in the custard.

Then came assembly time.

What you've got here is your typical Molly Banana Chocolate Cream Whoopie Pie set up. See, you've got one side being all vanilla custard-ed up with the world's thinnest slice of banana nestled inside like a little tiny banana present. Then you've have the other side, see, slathered in chocolate cream. What happens next will simply blow your mind.

Oh I'm sorry. I should have said something.
THIS JUST HAPPENED.

And so we've made our way back to the beginning. The filthy, filthy beginning. I HOPE YOU SEE WHAT I CLEARLY DID THERE.

Fun side note: I weighed myself consistently during this endeavor because I live alone and my scale is 12 footsteps from my oven so I'm allowed to do these things. I gained a pound and half from beginning to end. Sure, I also drank 20oz of Diet Dr. Pepper but that's the amount of Diet Dr. Pepper that could be inside my body at any given moment. My scale has adjusted.

You makea my dreams come true.
Ooo wooo. Oo oo.

Here's the recipe, if you're lady enough to try it.

RATE ME!!

TASTE: 5/5 I can't reiterate this nearly enough. Holy fuck. I ate the shit out of one of these whoopie pies. And I don't even like whoopie pies. Hell, I don't even like eating all that much. I would have eaten all of them, but I think I'm having a heart attack?

EASE: 3/5 These weren't hard to make, just kitchen consuming. What with the mixing and the custarding and the assembling and sometimes I wish I had an underpaid, under appreciated, overworked helper monkey to do my biddings. All I have is a stupid dog. I'm going to go kick around some dirt while staring at my shoes now. 

FILTH OF KITCHEN: 10/5 May I direct your attention to the aforementioned video documentation of said filth? I might as well set fire to my apartment. I will never be clean.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH: I don't understand what is up with my dog. Half the time I was making these, he was "stuck" in the closet whimpering slightly. It sounds cruel of me to not help him and to put quotation marks around his apparent situation but he wasn't stuck. The door of the closet was open. That's how he got in in the first place. He just couldn't figure out how to get out. I don't know what else to say. The other half of the time, I was pretending he was invisible. 

IMPRESS-O-METER: 5/5 I mean, I had this idea in the shower, you know? Who thinks about baked goods in the shower? Who thinks about anything other than "can I get by without shaving my legs today" in the shower? Who has the time! I do. Plus, I put a real pie into a fake cookie pie. I win.

Flour-less Cakes: Part 2...Clementine Cake

Part 2
Clementine Cake

If you don't have this song stuck in your head the entire time you make this cake, you're doing it wrong.

In fact, if you don't get an urge to listen to a lot a lot of Bright Eyes in general while you make this cake, you're probably just doing life wrong. In general.

Maybe this should be named the Bright Eyes cake? Just kidding. That's dumb. This is the Clementine Cake. Because it's made out of 5 entire clementines, not 5 entire Conor Obersts. Although that would be really, really, adorably delicious. In a crooning hipster sort of way. WHEN WILL I GET MY CONOR OBERST CAKE?!?

Apparently, some other psycho beat me to it. Typical.

Anywho. Back the most important point of this post that isn't Conor Oberst. The search for the perfect flour-less Passover cake. And so, I give you the Clementine Cake.

Hello Yummy Texture. It's me, Molly.

I found this recipe once again at Smitten Kitchen thanks to the helpful Passover-Friendly Dessert Recipe Suggester. So helpful!

This cake is yumcity. I think I say that a lot about a lot of things but it is really very good this time. I promise. It's clementine-y, yes. But mostly, it has a delightful texture thanks to the heaping amount of ground almonds. It's just about perfectly sweet and probably would be satisfying for breakfast. Or mushed up and constantly pumped through your veins like a drug. One or the other.

I bet all of Conor Oberst's children I plan on carrying would looking really cute iced onto these mini cakes.
Chocolate portrait style.

Recipe!

4-5 clementines

6 eggs

2 cup plus 1 tbs sugar

2 1/3 cups ground almonds

1 heaping teaspoon of baking powder

confectioner's sugar for dusting

Go on with your bad self!

1. Get a big old pot out, toss the clementines in, and cover with cool water. Set it on the stove and boil your little clementines for 2 hours. Remove, drain, and set aside to cool. Slice them open, remove the seeds and chop up into smaller pieces to put in the food processor. Process until smooth-ish. Set aside.
2. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Prepare whatever size pans you're using (I used 2 1/2" ish, 5", and 6" because I'm just crazy like that) by greasing them and lining the bottoms with a piece of parchment paper.
   
3. Beat the eggs. Add the sugar, almonds, and baking powder. Mix well, adding the chopped up clementines.
4. Pour batter into your prepared pans. Set in the oven for 30ish minutes or until the top is lightly browned and a toothpick comes out dry.
5. Remove from the oven and cool on a rack. Once cooled, take out of the pan and dust with confectioner's sugar if you see fit. (I saw fit.)

I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile.

RATE ME!

TASTE: 4.5/5 I don't really like citrus. I really hate the smell of fruit being juiced. But the smell of it baking and the taste of it in baked goods really makes me happy. This cake was no let down in the happy tasty department.
EASE: 2/5 This gets a low ease rating simply because of the whole two-hour-boiling-clementines thing. That's a couple hours too many to boil clementines to make an otherwise simple cake. Just saying.
FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 4/5 It was pretty disgusting but not nearly as bad as the flour-less chocolate cake mess. That...that was just terrible and I don't want to talk about it ever again so please stop bringing it up.
DID THE DOG EAT THE BATTER: Little dude was on fire today! And later, his butthole might be on fire :/ Not because he ate heaping amounts of pureed whole clementines that dropped on the floor but because he ate HEAPING amounts of pureed whole clementines that dropped on the floor. Double :/ What a guy. I love him.
IMPRESS-O-METER: 4/5 You know what? I don't even want to call it flour-less. That's amateur or something. I'm going to call it Gluten-Free. That's right. I went there. I impressed every person in the world who can't eat anything that tastes good ever. Sorry Gluten-Free folks. That must be the worst. But hey! This cake uses whole clementines! Eh? Eh?

Flour-less Cakes: A Love Story in Three Parts

Preface

That Time I Decided to Make a Bunch of Flour-less Cakes

Occasionally on this blog, I bring up the very true fact that I am a Jew. I made hamantashen and told you all the story of three-cornered hats (it's Jew-talk...don't worry about it). My first venture in bread baking was challah because duh. So what's this getting at? Passover's coming up soon!!!!!!(!!!!!!) And Passover is my (only) favorite Jewish holiday! So in an effort to find recipes for my mother to slave over help plan our upcoming seder, I went about researching flour-less cakes. Because here's the only thing you need to remember about Passover food: that shit better not have ever risen a day in its life. Because Pharoh. And the Jews. And the desert. And Pharoh again. RESEARCH TIME!

Epilogue to the Preface
Research!

My fellow Jewess blogger, The Awesome Lady Over at Smitten Kitchen, compiled an extremely helpful list of flour-less Passover friendly desserts. I decided to tackle three of her flour-less cakes while putting my own little spins on each of them. All in the name of science. And research. And my expanding waist line. But mostly, PASSOVER!

The Jews didn't have yeast in the desert but they definitely had melted chocolate.
They weren't heathens.

Part 1
Chocolate Flour-Less Cake

with Espresso Whipped Cream and Raspberries

Use your vivid imagination to insert some raspberries where
I clearly ate the raspberries before taking this picture. Please.

I picked this recipe because it involves separating a dozen eggs and I like breaking things. I also like to pretend that the really loud noise my ridiculously over powered KitchenAid Professional Mixer makes while beating the shit out of one dozen egg whites is my own personal air show, minus the planes, the tricks, and the inevitable plane-trick tragedies.

Like the clouds at an air show, but with less impending doom!

So here's the recipe, adapted ever so very tiny bit slightly from Smitten Kitchen.

Cake:

• 12 oz fine quality bittersweet chocolate, chopped
• 6 tablespoons of water
• 12 eggs, separated
• 1 1/3 cups of sugar
• 1/2 tsp of salt
• 2 tablespoons cocoa powder

Filling:

• 2 cups heavy whipping cream
• 7 tablespoons of sifted confectioners sugar
• 4 tsp instant espresso dissolved in 4 tsp water
• 1 tsp vanilla
• raspberries

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease your baking pans and line the bottoms with parchment paper. Set aside.
2. Melt the chocolate with the water over low heat. Set aside to cool to lukewarm.
3. Whip together the egg yolks, 2/3 cups of sugar, and salt in a mixer for 5 minutes or until pale yellow and thick. Fold in the chocolate until blended.
4. Clean your mixer, you filthy disgrace.
5. Beat egg whites until soft peaks are formed. Slowly add the remaining 2/3 cups of sugar and beat until stiff peaks are formed. Fold 1/3 of the egg whites into the chocolate mixture to make it light. Gently fold in the remaining egg whites until blended.
6. Evenly spread batter in your pans. Bake until puffy and the top appears dry. Rotate to ensure even baking. For my heart shaped mini pans, this took about 13 minutes. For my 5" and 6" circular pans, it took about 16 minutes.
7. Let cool on a wire rack. When cooled, sift some cocoa powder on the top of the cakes. Place wax paper on top of the pan, then place a baking sheet on top of it all. Invert the cake onto the pan, gently removing the paper lining. Place the layers in the freezer for about an hour so that they are firmer and easier to handle when frosting.

Make the frosting!

1. Whip all the ingredients together. BAM. You have delicious frosting.

Assemble the cake!

1. Keep the cocoa side of the cake down.
2. Frost the bare side with a heaping amount of whipped frosting. Place some halved raspberries on top of the frosting.
3. Place the next layer on top and frost, frost, frost.

You know you're a Jew when you subconsciously decorate your cake with a raspberry Star of David.

I stopped at 2 layers for both of my circular cakes. My heart shaped cake used 5 layers...then I ran out of frosting. Sigh.

If salt water at Passover reminds us of the Jews' tears, this clearly reminds us of
how sad we were as young Jews to not find the hidden matzah at Passover.

This cake is totally delicious. For realz. It's crazy light and airy because it has a dozen fucking eggs. My Elijah, that is SO MANY EGGS. I just want to make a million and a half egg puns here. But I'm stronger than that. Or something. Also, I've recently become a big girl and started drinking coffee. Currently my drink of choice is a grande soy cappuccino so this espresso whipped cream was right up my big-girl alley. Plus who doesn't love fresh berries with their cake? Pharoh. That's who. Fucking Pharoh.

This cake batter is very light but it could have used more plagues.
Are a few locusts too much to ask for?

Next I'm going to make this ridiculous sounding orange flour-less cake in various tiny, adorable shapes. But first...one more look at my sickeningly cute heart shaped cake. No but seriously. I feel ill after like two bites.

And Moses parted the flour-less cake so his people could escape the mighty Pharoh.

RATE ME!

TASTE: 3/5 You know what, the cake is really good. It really is. I think I just underbaked it a bit. I chalk this up to my inexperience with making flour-less cakes (see: Never) and my overall impatience. Surprisingly, this did not stop me from gaining a solid pound eating this cake last night. Nor did it stop a mysterious member of my family from going to town on these cakes sometime between last night and this morning. Hm.
EASE: 3/5 I was actually pretty surprised how easy this cake was to make. The only points deducted from ease come from the ONE DOZEN SEPARATED EGGS. Amazing for pent up rage, however.
FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 5/5 I - I don't know what happened. It looked like a bomb went off. A bomb went off and then another, slightly chocolate-ier, bomb went off just for good measure. It was terrifying. It was so filthy.
DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH: He most seriously knew what was up when I was icing the cakes. I'm pretty sure I had his full I-Don't-Know-How-to-Sit-on-Command attention.
IMPRESS-O-METER: 4/5 Flour-less seems unnecessarily tricky and espresso whipped cream seems unnecessarily mature. Overall, that's not too shabby.

Kitchen Sink Cookies

You know what I like? Waking up with my hair looking Edward-Scissorhands-great, the outdoors a lovely shade of monsoon, and all-but-one-ingredient in my cupboard for just about 6,156 different recipes. Basically, days like today are the monsooniest. I mean the best. I mean the monsooniest.

And so we are left with some Kitchen Sink Cookies. Not to be confused with Refrigerator Cookies or...Refrigerator Cookies (this was going to be a great joke, I swear. Can we talk about my horrible hair day again?)

.Recipe.

• The last full stick of butter from the no-man's-land in my refrigerator that I refer to as the butter hutch.
• 1/2 cup of white sugar mixed with 3/4 of molasses because you bought chocolate chips at the grocery store when you meant to buy brown sugar. Typical.
• 1/2 cup of white sugar because you didn't use all of it up to make brown sugar.
• 1 egg, lightly beaten. You know what? Those eggs look old. Make sure you have two eggs. Just to be safe. Just in case the egg has brown speckles in it. (Spoiler Alert: the first egg had brown speckles in it.)
• 1 tsp vanilla. You can do this. You always have vanilla.
  
• 3/4 of that oat flour you keep in the freezer because I'm pretty sure that's where oat flour belongs. Do not confuse it with the whole wheat flour you also keep in your freezer. Or the ice cream sandwiches. Especially the ice cream sandwiches. You need those ice cream sandwiches.
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, and baking soda. These just sound like a good idea. Plus, oregano would taste gross.
  
• A cup of Kashi GoLean Crunch with Honey Almond Flax that sits on your kitchen counter and eyeballs you on the regular. Plus, this means these cookies are a good substitute for breakfast. Go with it.
• A couple handfuls of pecans because who doesn't love pecans? Amiright?
• A bag of chocolate chips which is definitely not brown sugar. Remember that for next time and then every time after that.

Don't look now but I the butter hutch is staring right at you.

Reiterating that recipe was the second most frustrating thing I've done all day. Wanna hear more about the weather? No. Fine. Moving on.

.How to assemble your hodgepodge of stuff you forgot you have.

Go on and melt your last stick of butter in a saucepan. Keep a quarter of your eye on your melting butter while you tackle your sugar problem. Lemme tell you something about brown sugar. It's as good as dead to me. I mean, until I buy it again. But seeing as I'm not going to buy it anytime soon because OMIGOD ARE THOSE CHOCOLATE CHIPS? Exactly. So you might want to mix that molasses and white sugar together. I used a fork to do it. You can use your sharp wit or piercing rage.

Is your butter melted? Awesome. Perfect. Great. Mix it with your fake brown sugar and real white sugar. Crack an egg in a small bowl. Are those brown speckles? I told you there would be brown speckles. Crack a newer looking egg. Beat it a bit and toss it in your sugar butter mixture. Add the vanilla. Mix mix mix. Rain rain rain. Mix mix mix.

Sift your oat flour (why not regular flour? I dunno maybe because it's the 90s! Get used to it!) and team of 1/4 of a teaspoon items together. Add them to your wet stuff. Looking good, looking good!

And now for the finishing touches...

Pulse your cup of Kashi a few times in a food processor because it just feels right. Throw it in your batter. Grab your handful of pecans, crumble them a bit in your mighty fist, and toss them in. Do it a second time because you have tiny hands and duh. Pecans. Duh. If the mixture is still a bit warm, throw it in the freezer. When cooled, empty as many chocolate chips as you want in there. I say "a lot" sounds respectable. Another handful of Kashi? Definitely. These cookies are looking DYNAMITE.

Plastic wrap and refrigerate for an hour or however long you're out of the house and negotiating the monsoon for. Keep in mind, this could be forever. You know what? You should probably leave a note.

* * * *

Wow. Thank God you left a note. I was worried.
Preheat your oven to 350. Grease some pans. Throw some cookie rounds on the pans and then flatten them a little with a metal spatula. Bake for 12-13 minutes. Cool in the pan then cool on a rack.

These look nothing like the sink I was promised.

You know, you could take this recipe further. I'm sure there's something under your sink or whatever. And hot sauce. Everyone always has hot sauce. Just not the oregano.

RATE ME!

TASTE: 4/5 If these cookies are the kitchen sink, I am the garbage disposable. BOOM. That's like the refrigerator cookie joke I've always dreamed of.
EASE: 4.5/5 Seeing as I was making up this recipe as I went along, it was pretty simple. Plus, it doesn't even involve a real mixer. Just these two guns I'm equipped with. I'm talking about my arms. My moderately strong arms. I work out. You were going to ask.
FILTH OF THE KITCHEN: 3/5 Exciting news! After maybe a month of not working, my dishwasher works again! That makes cleaning up so easy! I highly suggest working dishwashers to all my readers (my parents).
DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH: He was on that dough like a min pin on a kitchen sink. You know, dangerously close to getting his leg chopped off in the garbage disposable. It's a metaphor for doggy diabetes. Trust me.
IMPRESS-O-METER: 2/5 Ok the name "Kitchen Sink Cookies" really doesn't get you any gold stars. Plus there are entirely too few truffles in these cookies. Maybe you have some in your butter hutch?

My name is Molly and I'm a Cookie Monster

Let's get this awkward first date out of the way as soon as possible. You're looking at me thinking, gosh what a deadbeat. I bet she doesn't even have a job, you say. And I'm looking at you with leering eyes that say, oh man this could be the one...this could be the one! I'm considering calling my mother and telling her the good news. I'm an inch away from telling you that my dream cake is shaped like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple with real red glowing eyes. But that's awkward and I want this to be special. So let's get to it. I mean, you could very well be the one.

I like baking cookies. I have no job so I have a lot of time to bake cookies. No, no don't up and leave! Hear me out. I plan use this time to accomplish something really special. I'm going to bake a whole bunch of different cookies. And rate them. And you will pretend that you are eating them and enjoying them with me.

I know what you're saying. You're thinking this sounds a lot like that terrible movie Julie and Julia. Here are some key differences:

1. I am not nearly as annoying as that Julie. She was the worst. Ever.
2. Julia Child is not my muse. Yes, she was a cool giantess. One of epic proportions. But I'm awfully short and a woman of her stature could very well make me pee my pants.
3. Why am I even going into this? No one saw Julie and Julia. It was a horrible movie. I won't even waste your time or insult your intelligence by suggesting you've seen that movie. No one has. I'm going to pretend I haven't either.

That was awkward. First dates are weird. But now that that's out of the way I feel better. Should we get down to the nitty gritty?

I am not a trained baker. I confuse parchment paper and wax paper. I set fire to dish rags. But I make a mean cookie. And I plan to make dozens of mean cookies. Cookies so mean that their mothers are constantly telling them to stop making that face because it will stick that way but they don't listen because they are that mean and SURPRISE! Their faces stick that way and whenever they walk down the street people go MAN! What a mean cookie! That's the kind of cookie I make.

I'm also going to maybe attempt making my own cookie recipes. I may even send you a cookie care package if you A) ask nice enough and B) have gone so far as to contemplate eating your own hand because my cookies sound so scrumptious. Well, one or the other.

I'm starting with various individual recipes as well as two cookie books as some structure for this blog:

Betty Crocker Cookie Book: The Most Delicious Collection of Cookies Ever (what a hefty statement that book makes. Jeez)

Big Fat Cookies by Elinor Klivans

I shall rate my cookies on various levels: taste, ease, filth of kitchen, whether or not my dog eats what drops on the floor, and whether or not they impress folks. Everyone knows that people only make cookies to impress others. I can't even believe I have to mention that.

So let's get started!
I'm making some cookies tonight and I'll report back sometime soon.