Monday, November 23, 2009

Mini Moon Pies

There are a few things I know for certain:
  1. My parents think I'm perfect just the way I am.
  2. Ponies have flowing rainbow manes and tails, smell like strawberries, taste like sunshine, and breathe cartoon hearts.
  3. The moon is absolutely delicious.
There may be other absolute truths in this world and I'm open to suggestion...all I'm saying is that it's probably just these three. And no others.

This recipe (found here) was rich with discovery, dishonesty, and deliciousness. The 3 D's of baking. I mean, I found this in a kitchen drawer while gathering my ingredients...

Maybe you can't make out the detail - let me help you. That pink design down the center? Cat faces. That thing at the end? You guessed it. It's a hook. And the fork prongs you're eying curiously...something's wrong there you say? One prong is definitely rectangular. I'm lost. Utterly lost. I think it's a back scratcher for cats. And that's my best guess.

Moving on. Cookies! The moon! Space travel!

I got you excited there for a bit, right? Stay with me and I'll have you eating part of the Final Frontier in no time.

I liked this recipe right off the bat. The recipe lady herself prefaces it all by saying "Homemade marshmallow is one of my favorite things to make." That's setting the bar pretty high! I'll tell you what my favorite thing to make is: friendships! And then there's this other thing: the recipe actually mentions that you'll need a cookie cutter right alongside the ingredients. Love at first sight?

Let me tell you, love is a bumpy bumpy road full of deceit. First off, the recipe clearly tells me to preheat the oven before anything else. Then it walked me through making the super sticky chocolate-y dough. Man this relationship is really getting off to a great start! So supportive! So helpful! So...stick the dough in the fridge and leave it there overnight?

Love is a bumpy bumpy road full of trying to make you forget that the oven is on and hoping your house burns down. But I shook it off because I am woman, I roar, and I only have the patience to let dough cool for 2 hours anyways. Anything over that is ridiculous. It's called playing hardball. Deal with it.

I thought that would be my first and last letdown with what promised to be an outrageously yummy cookie recipe. I let my guard down. I began to trust again. And then a moon pie stomped on my vulnerable heart.

Let me ask you this: off the top of your head, can you picture exactly where in your kitchen you keep your trusty candy thermometer? What's that? You don't own a candy thermometer? Oh, and you're not Willy Wonka? Because here I was, thinking you were Willy Wonka. With a candy thermometer. Tucked behind your ear. That's where one keeps a candy thermometer right?

WHO KNOWS? Seriously, this recipe goes so far as to politely inform you that you need a round cookie cutter (round! you could use a handful of ordinary kitchen items to make a round cookie cutter!) but fails to mention you may need a candy thermometer? The nerve.

Well, after riding the emotional roller coaster a few times too many, I had to turn to my mother. She kindly informed me that we have a candy thermometer. In it's original packaging. Just because. (Just because clearly there has never been any use for a candy thermometer in everyday life.)

oooo I hate you so much candy thermometer!

I tore that sucker open and got to making my homemade marshmallow. I was all smiles again - this is supposed to be the fun part! Right? Wrong again! Have you ever made marshmallow? With a candy thermometer? You have to boil water, sugar, and corn syrup. The accompanying sound made me fear for my life. I was pretty sure something was about to explode in my kitchen.

when I see this picture, I imagine this being someone's favorite activity. Why did I ever trust this recipe?

Why was this recipe trying to kill me?
I'll tell you why...because I was getting too close...I was only hours(!) away from tasting the moon.

I took my emotions out on whipping the marshmallow...


The cookies were done cooling and so it became sandwiching time. (I forgot to mention the whole cookie baking was like any other time I've had to roll out a dough - entirely too sticky and rather uneventful.) I love sandwiching time! Cookies go from ugly little disks to the most adorable double disks with gooey middles. What could be better?


Now the cookie sandwiches had to sit for two hours. I was starting to get the feeling this recipe was asking me to give up. I mean, the recipe initially claimed there were only 2 hours of inactive time involved. By my count, I should have been up to 14 hours (the suggested overnight + 2) already. What else was it going to lie about? Except for everything else it had already lied about (which was a lot).

Two hours passed and I finally got to dipping the sandwiches in the melted chocolate. Again, uneventful. Again, the cookies had to sit for 2 hours.

16 hours is a lot more than 2 hours. I just want the person who created this recipe to realize that. 16 > 2.

Was it worth it?


Biting into one of these Moon Pies is like biting into heaven...if heaven tasted like chocolate and marshmallow and all that is good in what I'm saying is that it was exactly like biting in heaven.

When I look back at the lying and the attempted soul-shattering this recipe sent my way, I can only make sense of it now. Not just anyone can taste the glory that is the moon. It takes determination. It takes rolling with the punches. It takes more or less 16 hours. But probably more. Who's counting anyways?


TASTE: 5/5 > Heaven.

EASE: 1/5 > Two words: Candy Thermometer.

FILTH OF KITCHEN: 4/5 > Marshmallow is sticky. As is anything one may need a candy thermometer for. Plus the chocolate dipping. I'm feeling filthy just reminiscing.

DID THE DOG EAT IT: At one point, I dumped a good amount of powdered sugar on the floor. The dog most certainly ate it.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 3/5 > They may taste great but they honestly look like turds. The three points it does get are from the fact the marshmallow is homemade (don't forget to bring that up every second of everyday) and that it's the moon. Still - it looks like a turd.