Let's get this awkward first date out of the way as soon as possible. You're looking at me thinking, gosh what a deadbeat. I bet she doesn't even have a job, you say. And I'm looking at you with leering eyes that say, oh man this could be the one...this could be the one! I'm considering calling my mother and telling her the good news. I'm an inch away from telling you that my dream cake is shaped like Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple with real red glowing eyes. But that's awkward and I want this to be special. So let's get to it. I mean, you could very well be the one.
I like baking cookies. I have no job so I have a lot of time to bake cookies. No, no don't up and leave! Hear me out. I plan use this time to accomplish something really special. I'm going to bake a whole bunch of different cookies. And rate them. And you will pretend that you are eating them and enjoying them with me.
I know what you're saying. You're thinking this sounds a lot like that terrible movie Julie and Julia. Here are some key differences:
1. I am not nearly as annoying as that Julie. She was the worst. Ever.
2. Julia Child is not my muse. Yes, she was a cool giantess. One of epic proportions. But I'm awfully short and a woman of her stature could very well make me pee my pants.
3. Why am I even going into this? No one saw Julie and Julia. It was a horrible movie. I won't even waste your time or insult your intelligence by suggesting you've seen that movie. No one has. I'm going to pretend I haven't either.
That was awkward. First dates are weird. But now that that's out of the way I feel better. Should we get down to the nitty gritty?
I am not a trained baker. I confuse parchment paper and wax paper. I set fire to dish rags. But I make a mean cookie. And I plan to make dozens of mean cookies. Cookies so mean that their mothers are constantly telling them to stop making that face because it will stick that way but they don't listen because they are that mean and SURPRISE! Their faces stick that way and whenever they walk down the street people go MAN! What a mean cookie! That's the kind of cookie I make.
I'm also going to maybe attempt making my own cookie recipes. I may even send you a cookie care package if you A) ask nice enough and B) have gone so far as to contemplate eating your own hand because my cookies sound so scrumptious. Well, one or the other.
I'm starting with various individual recipes as well as two cookie books as some structure for this blog:
Betty Crocker Cookie Book: The Most Delicious Collection of Cookies Ever (what a hefty statement that book makes. Jeez)
Big Fat Cookies by Elinor Klivans
I shall rate my cookies on various levels: taste, ease, filth of kitchen, whether or not my dog eats what drops on the floor, and whether or not they impress folks. Everyone knows that people only make cookies to impress others. I can't even believe I have to mention that.
So let's get started!
I'm making some cookies tonight and I'll report back sometime soon.