Sunday, December 19, 2010

Voyages to the Great Vegan Unknown

For you to feel just a bit like a jerk.

When I was in ninth grade, I got really into writing short stories. Really short stories. Like only-a-girl-with-ADHD*-would-think-a-short-story-is-500-words short stories. Well one story I remember really well was one about a dude. He kept hindering himself (as many times as one can keep doing anything in 500 words) in completely unnecessary ways just for the thrill of the challenge. The dude wore his pants backwards a la 1992 teen rap duo sensations Kris Kross just to making peeing a little tougher. In my short story, he failed out of school due to his extended bathroom breaks. Did you read that? He failed out of school. Because he wanted peeing to be harder.

The 90s weren't so much cool as they were revolutionary.
And cool. Mostly the cool part, actually.

So are you as excited as I am about that background story? I know, right! It was entirely too long! And relatively uninteresting to boot!

But here's the thing: vegan baking? Exactly like my Kris Kross embodying 9th grade imaginary male alter-ego. (We all have one.)

Common misconception about Vegan Banana Nut Chocolate Chip Bread:
This bread was the activist who freed the diseased monkey in the classic movie, Outbreak.

Wrong. That was Patrick Dempsey.

Thank goodness I made that bigger. And bold. And followed it with a picture of banana nut chocolate chip bread.
More? Fine. Whatever.


Vegan baking is challenging and goofy and like wearing your jeans backwards just cuz (COMPASSION, yo) or going out and killing your own chicken with a bow and arrow instead of getting one at the supermarket. Ok it's nothing like that last one but my guy managed to accomplish a lot in 500 words. And he definitely did the chicken thing. But mostly, vegan baking is super fun, guyz. It helps that I know someone who will gladly test out my vegan goodies (everyone should have one). Because shockingly enough, no matter how delicious looking they may be, vegan anythings still have the ability to scare some folks off. Sad stuff.

"I'm not a vegan, I just fuck a lot without harming animals."
-Big Punisher's original lyrics before he got real real fat. And died.

Vegan baking is a lot like a puzzle. Consistencies can be a little hit or miss thanks to the absence of eggs but you know what? Absence makes the egg grow fonder. I mean, I don't want eggs. But I've started getting love letters written in yolk and now I lock my bedroom door at night is all.

"Go on. Smear me all over your face. Let's take this relationship to the next level."

Vegan baking is also super for dough eaters. Remember that time you almost stopped eating unbaked dough because you were all like, 'raw eggs are not good for me to eat!' but you kept eating anyways even though you felt a little bad for your insides? You don't have to feel bad for your insides when you eat vegan dough! It won't kill you! Slowly! Over an extended period of time!

Let's be real guys. Vegan baking is sort of great.

NEWZFLASH: if Mini Vegan Jelly Donuts had footies, they'd be the cat's pajamas.

So if you want to try to do some vegan baking (and you do because you're not some sort of a monster, right?) here are the 3 recipes I used the other day...

*Fun note: I do not have ADHD. I'm just a little stupid. Easy mistake.

1 comment:

  1. Yes. I am liking this very much...particularly the references to that story you wrote in 9th grade and the beloved rap duo Kris Kross.