Sunday, March 25, 2012

Because I Love You Muffins

aka (vegan carrot cake)

My boyfriend loves me. It’s true. I’ll tell you how I know.

Last night, I went out to hang out with other girls which is plain old weird if you know me at all because that is not a thing I tend to do. Girls scare me. So does large organized socializing. Eep! So, as any social anxiety prone young lady is apt to do, I made sure I was good and drunk for the occasion. Double eep! On my quest to get shitfaced, I drank entirely too much.

Pre-blackout. Pre-ruining that adorable crocheted top.
Pre-friend on my left babysitting me at the bar. <3

Typically I can get away with this because I’m a stone cold badass who can hold her liquor. But that state of “typically” also includes eating normal things on a regular basis - like carbs. And my daily intake of carbs has taken up to or less than 36% (115g or less, usually) of my diet for like...3 weeks now. Don’t ask me how I know this. (Ask me how I know this!)

100% Psycho
So what does my boyfriend do? He comes to my rescue. Knowing full well there was a solid chance I was going to be sick.
When I woke up, boyfriend of the year was asleep on my couch. He had set my Britta within my reach with a few other choice items. When he woke up, he didn’t give me shit, didn’t make me feel bad, didn’t say anything negative. Clearly, I made some poor choices last night. He even showed concern for my shoes, which...took the brunt of the evening’s festivities.



Moist. We're calling them moist.
Just go with it.

So my boyfriend loves me and I know this. And I love him because motherfucking DUH. So I made a frankensteined Vegan Carrot Cake Muffin in his honor. Then I named them Because I Love You Muffins. CUTE.
So let me explain a couple things I did to this recipe. In an adorable way.

Because I love you, I shredded a bag of carrots by hand so you wouldn’t have to eat less-than-fresh bagged shredded carrots.

Shredded for his pleasure.

Because I love you, I replaced the sugar with stevia and applesauce so you wouldn’t feel guilty about eating these.

I'll throw these empty packets away within the next few weeks.
Or so.

Because I love you, I used organic whole grain pastry flour rather than white flour so you can get a healthy dose of whole grains with a flaky cake instead of highly processed gross stuff.

Tell me,
do you see a beautiful young woman or an ugly old lady in this picture?

Because I love you, I took the oil out and threw some applesauce in since oil is yucky and applesauce is not.

Nothing says "I love you" like sludge.

Because I love you, I calculated the nutrition facts so your minor ocd that is totally not weird could get some exercise.

I was going for a tones of beige-ish in this photo.
Nailed it.
Because I love you, I’ll never get so ridiculously horribly intoxicated again. I bet.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and get these things out:
2 cups pastry flour
24 packets of Truvia
¼ cup brown sugar
½ tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
2 tsp cinnamon
3 cups shredded carrots
1 ¼ cups unsweetened applesauce
½ cup orange juice
½ cup golden raisins
¾ cup reduced fat unsweetened shredded coconut
½ cup chopped walnuts
Do these things to make about 24 muffins:
Combine the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl by hand. Toss the carrots and applesauce in. Mix mix mix mix. Add the orange juice. Mix mix mix mix. Add the raisins, coconut, and walnuts. Mix mix mix mix! Fill up a baking sprayed muffin tin with your batter. Stick it in the oven for about 35 minutes. (Since there is nothing raw in there, the inside is still delicious even if not all the way set. I was mostly just getting antsy.) Let cool. Devour.
Nutrition Facts per muffin
99 calories / 18g carbs / 2g fat / 2g protein / 3g fiber / 9g sugar


TASTE: 3/5 ok they are totally delicious but I think there is room for improvement. I'm talking about icing, folks. I want icing in my mouth when I eat these muffins. It's all I've been thinking about for like, 20 minutes. That is so many minutes to think about icing. Also - they didn't entirely become cake-y in the middle so let's call them "moist."

EASE: 4/5 You don't even need a mixer! Bitch is easy like your mom! But just like your mom, it takes forever to grate the carrots. That is the -1 point there, if you wanna check out the judges card.

FILTH OF KITCHEN: 5/5 Truvia packets. Truvia packets everywhere. Applesauce where the Truvia packets aren't. The counter edging my kitchen sink is lined with carrot ends. There's probably a lot of things in my hair. Plus side: my apartment now smells a lot more like OOOOH than ewwww.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? The dog thanked me kindly for the carrot stumps. They're his favorite. Next to everything else that goes in his mouth.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 5/5 I'm giving this the ultimate rating for a few key points: each muffin is under 100 calories, they are vegan, I'm hungover.

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