Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Spicy Tofu Nuggets

Hey! These aren't cookies or cupcakes or muffins or cake-cakes or brownies or salty chocolate peanut butter balls! What the what?!!?!

Hear me out.

Just as the Native Americans respected the animals they killed by using every part of their bodies in some productive way, so have I respected the left over wheat germ and tofu from my healthier mini and bite sized cheesecakes. Because let's be real folks, I currently pay rent for two apartments and I work in retail and I do all my shopping at the Whole Foods attached to my building. Bottom line: this girl is dirt poor. (Dammit.) And that wheat germ and sandwich baggy of tofu in my fridge is not going to waste. (Dammit!) Unless these tasted bad. (Dammit?) Then boy would my face be red.

People in my financial situation use ottomans as tables, macbooks as plates, and iphones for cameras.

My face is not red. 

That's just my normal healthy glow, folks. These Spicy Tofu Nuggets are everything you could hope for in a super easy to make, super healthy, meatless nugget recipe. And I hope for so much in these things!

Now if I could only figure out what to do with the tofu's hide and brain. What's that, you said? Tofu doesn't have hide or a brain? Then what have I been tanning for days to make into a festive tunic? And where's my dog?

Spicy Tofu Nuggets
note: I had about 3.85oz of left over tofu that I cut into 5 uniform pieces and one almost full misshapen piece...this recipe follows the amount of stuff I used to make about 6 tofu nuggets

extra firm tofu, cut into 2"ish triangle nuggets and patted as dry as you can pat them (pat more!)

2 tbls raw wheat germ
1 tbls parmesan (I used shaved because I had it in my fridge. respect the fridge - use the whole fridge. especially the drawers.)
1 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp onion powder
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp black pepper

3 tbls egg whites
3.15 oz unsweetened soy milk

fry bake like bacon imitation meat!
Oh fuck it. Just let me eat you.

Bake Them Nuggets
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. spray of baking sheet with cooking spray.
whisk your egg whites and soy milk in a small bowl. in another small bowl or in a ziploc bag (aforementioned poor folk like myself are all out of ziploc bags smaller than a gallon - my life is so touch and go these days!), combine the breading ingredients. make your little breading/washing/breading station and proceed to bread/wash/bread. you'll coat the tofu nugget once in breading, then dunk it in the wash, then back in the breading and onto the baking pan. arrange them on the baking sheet and pop in the oven for 15 minutes. Flip over and bake for another 15 minutes. Bake/flip/bake/flip in shorter intervals until you reach the tofu density you prefer. I ended up doing it about another 12 minutes. I like my tofu nuggets like I like my life: tough.* 

*That's top five one of the more ridiculous things I've said in days.

I hope tofu hooves make glue as wonderful as this nugget tastes!

Nutrition Facts
Calculated by Wizardry

Per Nugget
35 calories / 3g carbs / 1g fat / 3g protein / 1g fiber / 1g sugar / 1g cholesterol / 10mg sodium

TASTE: 4.85/5 .15 was taken off here because I should have used grated parmesan. It's all very technical, you see. Otherwise, damn you bitches taste mighty fine. I'd say they taste better than chicken nuggets but I think chicken tastes disgusting so that be like saying they taste better than shoes. And they taste a million times better than shoes. So by my standards of reasoning and logic, these tofu nuggets taste 1,000,000 times better than chicken nuggets. There. Done.

EASE: 5/5 If you've ever made eggplant parmesan, you know just how easy it is to dredge stuff and make it taste great.

FILFTH OF KITCHEN: 2/5 Not too bad! Mostly just heaps of paper towels from those jerky uncooked tofu pieces that thought if they were damp for forever, I may not eat them. Idiots.

DID THE DOG EAT THE DOUGH? It's almost 2pm. The dog is still passed out asleep. He doesn't get out of bed for less than $10,000 in raw steak. He also likes carrots.

IMPRESS-O-METER: 5/5 Sure, everyone can make tofu nuggets but can everyone say they have raw wheat germ hanging around? I DIDN'T THINK SO. WALK AWAY.


  1. thanks for sharing.

  2. You make me laugh. I was definitely not expecting to see the word "fuck" on a tofu nugget post, or be told to "walk away". How refreshing! None of this warm and fuzzy mommy blog shit.

    Merry Christmas to you!

    I'm gluten-free, so have to try this with rice bread crumbs. Hope it won't suck!